At least I know

It isn’t easy,
just taking care of kids,
living in a new country,
just working in the house.
I thought it would go smoothly,
but fitting into a family that isn’t yours,
is like forcing the wrong puzzle-piece,
into the wrong spot.
I shaped myself to fit this space.
Every day I have something to prove,
that I am worth remembering,
that I have a space in this world,
that I am worth their time.
I make people laugh,
I make it easier for other people,
I make them feel loved,
I make their day go smoothly by,
I make memories for them,
memories that I hope will last.
Yet I feel that this time was fruitless,
that this hardship proved nothing.
I still not brave enough.
I think this year proved to me,
that I must settle for less,
let go of that dream and put it in a drawer.
From time to time I can look at it,
but I cannot live it.
I do not have enough strength to control me.
I do not have strength enough to survive me.
The world is so cruel. My fate is less.
I am a mere small person with dreams,
I touch some people’s lives…
I guess I did them good,
I made them smile and laugh.
But that strength is limited,
at least I know the truth now.
That I can never,
make myself happy.

Look Alive

And I think I’ve reached the peak of my years,
in those moments so quiet, in those moments so fragile,
I’ve found an inner strength.
I yearn for my home and my family,
but I realize I’ve found one here.
So I close my eyes and feel their warmth,
I listen to those voices and let my eyes trail the scenery.
In this little town, I’ve found a home.

In the round age of 20,
I’ve experienced more than I ever could.
I’ve feared, I’ve loved, I’ve thrived and I’ve lost.
I reach further and I keep winning,
my losses are merely experiences of learning.
Sadness is a part of this journey,
and laughter is the whole thrill of it.
In this country, I have found a way of living.

And I want to experience more,
I want to reach mountains,
and I want to cross borders.
My hunger for the moments ahead
cannot be contained in my chest.
It’s at the tips of my fingertips,
and I let myself sink into it.
In this land, I’ve started an adventure.

Now the only thing I need,
is some sort of satisfaction to my greed.
I want to reach my full potential,
yet I am keeping away because that scares me.
I couldn’t let myself believe my greatness,
because what if I am wrong?
But maybe I should just believe naively.
Because what if I am right?

In this world, I’ve come alive.

Here We Go Again

I crawl inwards, I hiss in pain and I shake with fear.
Is it coming back? I wonder.
Since when did he haunt me this much?
Appearing in my dreams, preventing me from sleeping.
Where is my motivation to keep going?
I hide in my room, I don’t want to drive,
I just want to be free and not care.
It’s coming back isn’t it?
Does it have me in its palm again?
Am I at its mercy?
I have to be confident with so little time left,
but even in my dreams I cower and I just can’t.
I miss my home and I miss my friends.
I need their support and the comfort.
Yet here I am so many miles away and I…
I am completely useless.
The dreams I have… I’m incapable of doing them.
I can’t even speak my own language anymore.
The days are dark and I crave comfort,
but now I’m known for being “strong”.
Stop haunting me with the memories,
that road is gone.
The future is too fragile and I don’t have the courage,
to carry a thing that could shatter so easily.
I am screaming, but no, I’m rather quiet.
I am trying too hard, my skin is breaking out,
I am gaining weight again instead of losing it.
I can’t tell a guy to respect me because I’m afraid I’ll ruin the mood.
I guess it’s time to ruin the mood like I did last year.
I have to take this decision to become happy.
Fuck it, I want to sleep, sleep for so long.
Why do people put so much hope in me when I am worthless?
I can’t reach that stage; I’ll never finish a project.
My confidence is gone…
and I am falling apart once again.
Is it back?
Please tell me it isn’t back.

Reasons Why: First

Listen… I may be an author, but I don’t understand life. Maybe I get life in general… but my own is a mess I can’t figure out. I’m afraid I’m leaving someone behind and I’m afraid that what I feel… is not like I thought it would be. Maybe I’ve become too much of an author, the thing is I can describe death scenes in detail but I can’t describe my own emotions in order to make sense of them.

As I think of how broken the world is I am reminded how hard I’ve tried to fix it. I am a mere puzzle piece to other people’s puzzles and I may not even matter that much. Or maybe I’m the corner piece or that missing one…

I am just as self-absorbed as everyone else is. If I could read minds I’d not spend as much time trying to figure out my own all the time. I forget people… and I neglect people. But in life the only one I got at all times is myself. And I got hurt and I am trying to defend or protect myself and now I feel like I am just avoiding the darkness that could be brighter if I dared to shed a light on it. And I don’t want you to be my darkness but you kind of were. But you were an exciting darkness, an experience of emotions I thought I didn’t have anymore.

The thing is that I want that chapter to be over. If I go back will it just be a continuation or will it be a new one?

Such a big problem in my tiny existence. Am I a big puzzle piece in your life? Or just another one?

I don’t really trust people when it comes to this. And as you’ve said it is obvious why.  God I wish I could be more naive, but as an author I plan ahead and I know which situation leads to what. Or I think I know.

I don’t know anything. I just realized that. I really don’t know. So please don’t expect anything from me.

 

My First Love Ends

Who would’ve thought my first breakup would end with “I love you” and a kiss goodbye?
He’s so beautiful… He deserves the world and even if I will not be a close part of it…
I’ll still be there and he’ll be there too.

We’re best friends…

I can force out these feelings like I’ve done before.
But not feelings this deep, I couldn’t even look at him because every time I did I started crying.

I keep forgetting how much I love him. I thought love would be a constant feeling but it’s not always there it’s deep within you and it comes forward in waves.

Like when I look into his eyes…

I’ve learned a lot about love. I’ve learned a lot about a lot of things and I’m so grateful.
He’s so beautiful… inside and out. We’ve been through shit, I’ve seen him at his worst.
But it never scared me away.

But I respect him too. So I won’t hold on to something he doesn’t have the strength to carry.

It is hurting him too, but I’m kind of proud that he has come this far. He’ll get better and he’ll find his way.

I’ll find mine too. Alone.

A relationship was nice, but somehow I feel like I’ll never try to get into one again. It’s boundaries and it’s settling and I want to fly and travel.

I’ll be your best friend forever. Because that is what I do best in life. I’m loyal to you as a friend and I’ll always be there.

Even when you find someone new. I’ll be proud of you and I’ll support you.

Because you deserve the whole world.

And I’ll watch you rise up.

Hopefully… I will rise up too.

Love

It’s burying a smile
in your pillowcase.
It’s rolling to the other side
because of the tickling feeling.
It’s singing your heart out to love songs,
because now you understand.
It’s the feeling of standing in the sun’s light,
even if it’s raining.
It’s the relief of frustration washing away,
and feeling at ease.
It’s the urge to hold on, to give in,
to let it out.
It’s fighting for it and crying over it,
but not letting go.
It’s the joy of knowing
that you’ll see them soon.
It’s the wanting, the passion and the lust,
running through your veins at one touch
It’s finding yourself watching them talk,
and them asking you what you’re looking at.
It’s the warmth in your heart,
just at the thought of them.
It’s holding hands under any sky,
and feeling at home.
It’s love.