The Quiet Days

The quiet days,
the ringing in your ears,
because last night was so loud,
now the wind softly plays with the curtains,
and colors outside are changing
but for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
the beating of your heart,
because tomorrow will be loud,
now the clouds pass by slowly outside,
and the sky is such a pale blue,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
when laughter has subsided,
because last night was so great,
now the sun shines a light upon my carpet,
and the sounds outside are passing by,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
when the music softly plays,
because tomorrow will be new,
now the mind tries to unwind in a personal space,
and the thoughts inside are passing by,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

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Hold On Tightly

I can only hope
that one day
I’ll smile so wide my face will tear
and from within me light will shine.

It will shine so bright
that it’ll blind
every soul that I look upon
and their smiles will tear too.

I treasure those small moments
of feeling so awfully alive
even though I think those moments
to be beneath me as an intellectual.

But I am merely human
with a bleeding heart
and a mind to please
and with dreams to catch.

In this terrible world
all I seek is joy and pleasure
I seek all that makes me feel
yet instead all I feel is shame.

What the fuck is reputation
is it supposed to make you cool
when you feel nothing from it
let’s just fucking feel something.

You’re better than the old you
better than yesterday
better than today
better than tomorrow.

You’re the fucking best
so chase your dreams
and hold on so tightly
don’t you dare let go.

At least I know

It isn’t easy,
just taking care of kids,
living in a new country,
just working in the house.
I thought it would go smoothly,
but fitting into a family that isn’t yours,
is like forcing the wrong puzzle-piece,
into the wrong spot.
I shaped myself to fit this space.
Every day I have something to prove,
that I am worth remembering,
that I have a space in this world,
that I am worth their time.
I make people laugh,
I make it easier for other people,
I make them feel loved,
I make their day go smoothly by,
I make memories for them,
memories that I hope will last.
Yet I feel that this time was fruitless,
that this hardship proved nothing.
I still not brave enough.
I think this year proved to me,
that I must settle for less,
let go of that dream and put it in a drawer.
From time to time I can look at it,
but I cannot live it.
I do not have enough strength to control me.
I do not have strength enough to survive me.
The world is so cruel. My fate is less.
I am a mere small person with dreams,
I touch some people’s lives…
I guess I did them good,
I made them smile and laugh.
But that strength is limited,
at least I know the truth now.
That I can never,
make myself happy.

Look Alive

And I think I’ve reached the peak of my years,
in those moments so quiet, in those moments so fragile,
I’ve found an inner strength.
I yearn for my home and my family,
but I realize I’ve found one here.
So I close my eyes and feel their warmth,
I listen to those voices and let my eyes trail the scenery.
In this little town, I’ve found a home.

In the round age of 20,
I’ve experienced more than I ever could.
I’ve feared, I’ve loved, I’ve thrived and I’ve lost.
I reach further and I keep winning,
my losses are merely experiences of learning.
Sadness is a part of this journey,
and laughter is the whole thrill of it.
In this country, I have found a way of living.

And I want to experience more,
I want to reach mountains,
and I want to cross borders.
My hunger for the moments ahead
cannot be contained in my chest.
It’s at the tips of my fingertips,
and I let myself sink into it.
In this land, I’ve started an adventure.

Now the only thing I need,
is some sort of satisfaction to my greed.
I want to reach my full potential,
yet I am keeping away because that scares me.
I couldn’t let myself believe my greatness,
because what if I am wrong?
But maybe I should just believe naively.
Because what if I am right?

In this world, I’ve come alive.

Here We Go Again

I crawl inwards, I hiss in pain and I shake with fear.
Is it coming back? I wonder.
Since when did he haunt me this much?
Appearing in my dreams, preventing me from sleeping.
Where is my motivation to keep going?
I hide in my room, I don’t want to drive,
I just want to be free and not care.
It’s coming back isn’t it?
Does it have me in its palm again?
Am I at its mercy?
I have to be confident with so little time left,
but even in my dreams I cower and I just can’t.
I miss my home and I miss my friends.
I need their support and the comfort.
Yet here I am so many miles away and I…
I am completely useless.
The dreams I have… I’m incapable of doing them.
I can’t even speak my own language anymore.
The days are dark and I crave comfort,
but now I’m known for being “strong”.
Stop haunting me with the memories,
that road is gone.
The future is too fragile and I don’t have the courage,
to carry a thing that could shatter so easily.
I am screaming, but no, I’m rather quiet.
I am trying too hard, my skin is breaking out,
I am gaining weight again instead of losing it.
I can’t tell a guy to respect me because I’m afraid I’ll ruin the mood.
I guess it’s time to ruin the mood like I did last year.
I have to take this decision to become happy.
Fuck it, I want to sleep, sleep for so long.
Why do people put so much hope in me when I am worthless?
I can’t reach that stage; I’ll never finish a project.
My confidence is gone…
and I am falling apart once again.
Is it back?
Please tell me it isn’t back.

Reasons Why: First

Listen… I may be an author, but I don’t understand life. Maybe I get life in general… but my own is a mess I can’t figure out. I’m afraid I’m leaving someone behind and I’m afraid that what I feel… is not like I thought it would be. Maybe I’ve become too much of an author, the thing is I can describe death scenes in detail but I can’t describe my own emotions in order to make sense of them.

As I think of how broken the world is I am reminded how hard I’ve tried to fix it. I am a mere puzzle piece to other people’s puzzles and I may not even matter that much. Or maybe I’m the corner piece or that missing one…

I am just as self-absorbed as everyone else is. If I could read minds I’d not spend as much time trying to figure out my own all the time. I forget people… and I neglect people. But in life the only one I got at all times is myself. And I got hurt and I am trying to defend or protect myself and now I feel like I am just avoiding the darkness that could be brighter if I dared to shed a light on it. And I don’t want you to be my darkness but you kind of were. But you were an exciting darkness, an experience of emotions I thought I didn’t have anymore.

The thing is that I want that chapter to be over. If I go back will it just be a continuation or will it be a new one?

Such a big problem in my tiny existence. Am I a big puzzle piece in your life? Or just another one?

I don’t really trust people when it comes to this. And as you’ve said it is obvious why.  God I wish I could be more naive, but as an author I plan ahead and I know which situation leads to what. Or I think I know.

I don’t know anything. I just realized that. I really don’t know. So please don’t expect anything from me.