Suspicions

I have a suspicion as to why I am like I am.
Why my mental state is always a fucking mess.
I thought it was just who I was, and how my life is.
But I realize that I have a lot of good things in my life.
I have always wondered why I just can’t appreciate them.
Why do I still feel hopeless after great nights,
why do I feel like death would be a gift I had always wished for?
Could there be a reason as to why my brain is torturing me all the time?
Maybe I am not fucked up, or maybe I just truly am, but now I have a word for it?
It will be proven soon. I am taking action.
I am afraid, but I am not alone. I have talked to someone about it.
Not to those closest to me, but I don’t want to worry them yet.
When I figure it out, then I can go to them. Confess that there is an explanation.
I hope there is one. It would make my life easier to handle.
But what if I have to take medicine? I am fearing that the most.
That I am more damaged than what I thought I was.
It’s not just a suspicion anymore. I am sure.

Now let’s see if it’s true.

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Defeated

i am a little hopeless again
yet another and another defeat
and i am left with just hope for something good
but when am i ever given something good?
something good that lasts?
my future doesn’t seem bright.
i don’t have someone that loves me…
such a simple thing as that would make me happy.
if i can’t have the dream job,
maybe i can have someone to love?
but no,
i can never love.
because i never let myself do that without fear.

 

life is a struggle

 

i still hate it

Aftermath

the aftermath of a panic attack
the total focus on how your sobs sound
you can’t even be swallowed by it
because you’re still trying to be in control
your eyes are wet
your hands trembling
and you wish for it to stop
but you have no courage
how do you ask for help
when your perfect image is shattering
how do you ask for forgiveness
for wishing for death
i don’t want to take the selfish way
not by giving in
i want to strive and shine
but i look at what i have and realize what i do not
and the limit of time pressures me into dispear
and i can’t even think clear
i’ll forever be uselss to myself
a body unable to do what i want
a mind just was weak
i’ll live my life being disappointed in myself
and never seek higher ground
i’m a low being and when i do go higher
i realize it was on unstable ground
and i fall even lower than i had ever been
so why should i try to crawl up again
when i know i’ll never make it
the aftermath of a panic attack
the numb feeling in your heart
and the ache in your back
what does it take
to get back on track?

Hold Back

Money leaves your hand so fast,
you beg for more,
to those who look up to you,
who should learn from you,
who should receive your fortune,
instead of your debt.

Children take care of mothers,
they earn money and they send them off to her,
they struggle themselves to hold onto paper,
it slips away and it slips away,
who taught them to hold on?
Who taught them to stand strong?

I write it down,
because I don’t do well either,
I stand my ground,
because you never learned to do that,
I cannot hold it back,
because I love you.
So please hold back for me instead.

 

Familiar

I’m bothered by how still I’m standing,
walking these familiar streets,
yet they’re all so new,
talking a familiar language,
but stumbling over the words,
learning new things,
working hard,
be good, be perfect,
welcome back, welcome back,
the future is so far away,
yet here i am explaining it,
to another and another,
people with familiar faces,
welcome back, what now?

I am frustrated,
by how little I changed,
and by how different I am,
what I wanted to become,
didn’t happen at all and yet,
I am not the one who left,
is this how it goes?
with so much time,
can I settle for a moment?
I’m afraid of it being only temporary,
of leaving it all behind once again,
becoming a familiar stranger,
cutting friendships short,
safe travels, goodbye!

I am afraid of letting go,
of learning how to hold on,
and then letting go as I leave again,
only a year, then you’re somewhere new,
but I am not, the future isn’t settled,
so much time, so many expectations,
trying to stay familiar,
trying not to seem out of place,
but I am a different colored puzzle piece,
and I do not fit in anymore,
I never looked right,
but now I am not shaped right.
Few friends fit with me,
safe travels, see you again?

It’s like going back to my childhood,
visiting old places,
seeing how the children of my time has grown,
all of them familiar,
but now new people,
the winter aches in my bones,
but the smile of a friend lifts my spirits,
I am safe here,
yet so changed and unknown,
is the future bright?
or am I going to settle with this familiar place?
Leaving behind all my dreams,
of places far, far away?
welcome back, welcome home!

The Quiet Days

The quiet days,
the ringing in your ears,
because last night was so loud,
now the wind softly plays with the curtains,
and colors outside are changing
but for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
the beating of your heart,
because tomorrow will be loud,
now the clouds pass by slowly outside,
and the sky is such a pale blue,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
when laughter has subsided,
because last night was so great,
now the sun shines a light upon my carpet,
and the sounds outside are passing by,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
when the music softly plays,
because tomorrow will be new,
now the mind tries to unwind in a personal space,
and the thoughts inside are passing by,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

Hold On Tightly

I can only hope
that one day
I’ll smile so wide my face will tear
and from within me light will shine.

It will shine so bright
that it’ll blind
every soul that I look upon
and their smiles will tear too.

I treasure those small moments
of feeling so awfully alive
even though I think those moments
to be beneath me as an intellectual.

But I am merely human
with a bleeding heart
and a mind to please
and with dreams to catch.

In this terrible world
all I seek is joy and pleasure
I seek all that makes me feel
yet instead all I feel is shame.

What the fuck is reputation
is it supposed to make you cool
when you feel nothing from it
let’s just fucking feel something.

You’re better than the old you
better than yesterday
better than today
better than tomorrow.

You’re the fucking best
so chase your dreams
and hold on so tightly
don’t you dare let go.