Summer Child In Winter

I only live when it’s summer
I’m dying through winter
I wake up in spring
I hurt myself in autumn

I cry through the dark cold days
Laugh in the sunshine
I can’t move in the bitter cold wind
I’m flying in the breeze of warmth

I’m dying right now, in the depths of darkness
I’m in pain. I’m filled with agony.
I long for summer and it hurts
I’m hurting, I’m hurting, I’m hurting

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and here i am… not even knowing how a kiss feels but wanting to know…
every party i’ve been to i hope someone will notice me…
but no one does…

how do people look at me? am i ugly? am i just there?

can someone even love me? like me?
because i do not feel like that’s even possible… 

i am so lonely… i am so lonely in this world full of people.
i am so lonely that it hurts, but i’m still full of hope

i know i’m young, but i’m actually far behind

far far behind, too too alone, little little hope…

fuck it… just fuck it

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I sometimes picture another world. Okay, to say sometimes would be a lie.

I’m trying to picture it so vivid and living as possible, try to inhale the fresh air of the snow covered mountain I’m walking upon, or sit down and let my hands grasp the icy snow. I can feel the cold wind bite my cheeks as it caresses them, and I can see a crystal blue sky with stray clouds above me.

Or then I’m entering my house – My imaginary house – which lies in the country of Korea. It’s white, and very modern, but humble and filled with light colors inside it. The kitchen is white, but with light brown table surfaces and cute tables painted mint green, a pile of clean dishes needing to be put back in their rightful places. Oh the harmony in this place.
The garden is wide, with green grass and.. I have two dogs, Bacon and Merlin. I have a room where I paint, many paintings are stacked against a wall because I have nowhere to put them…

I can go anywhere inside my mind. It’s amazing and it’s calming whenever I feel tired and lifeless.

I hope to one day be able to have my dream house, feel my fingers run through Bacon’s fur, or stand upon the snow-covered hill. I’m a dreamer. And one day, I will need to step out. I can’t wait for that day to come. Where I go out and explore.

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winter breeze, you’ve grown colder
emma, you’ve grown older
and you still dream of summer
and regret your past

but this winter won’t last
and so didn’t the moments you regret
keep going forward
it’s never too late