A fancy list from an old diary;

01-06-2014

  • One. I do not fancy open-mouthed kisses.
  • Two. I’ve kissed my best friend, and we have kissed (all three) each other, and it’s the funniest, silliest thing ever and we love it. Then that’s over with, we’ve crossed another line and we’ve really opened up.
  • Three. Time to spend some time with people who are not too stuck up in their own shit. Fuck off will ya.
  • Four. Yes there is a ripple in the surface, a crack in earth, and I’m not sure whether I want to seal it or just watch how it goes. I can’t be bandage all the time, people do shit and they get shit in return. Why am I so forgiving?
  • Five. I’ve learned to love myself, some part of myself to say it right.
  • Six. Just the mention, just the thought of school makes me want to cut my stomach open. I hate it. I loathe it. I want to do well but I don’t want to work so hard anymore, I just want it to be over, and I hate to see the mountains in the horizon, waiting to be climbed. I’m not sure I can do it. I’m not sure that I can do it gracefully and I know people are watching me, and I’m tired of this shit. I want to be a rebel and I’m doing it and it’s hurting myself but I don’t freaking care anymore…
    And then… I do.
  • Seven. I’m going out of the country with my family this year.
  • Eight. People have proven to be assholes, dickheads, freaking cunts and it pisses me off that I’ve missed to see that.
  • Nine. I’ve… become beautiful.
  • Ten. Leave me alone.

I’m actually quite amazed by this. Old thoughts just make me feel better to know that I’ve made it through.

091

As thunder roars

my mind settles

because the chaos inside

is now in the sky

the rain pouring down

is my non-shed tears

I will fall asleep

at winter cold

and buried in snow

let the spirits surround me

uphold my body

walk feet walk

talk mouth talk

alive and well

there are more stories to tell

091

Is it time for a late night’s rant? I guess it’s not but, here I am.
There is not a moment in life where you question everything, there are moments.
I question my friends, my parents, my teachers, my classmates and myself. I question them all, because you have to do that sometimes. They change, and sometimes they change in such a way that you don’t match anymore and when questioning them; you notice. Then it’s time to… separate or create some distance because when it hurts, it’s time to fucking get away.
And oh how it hurts. I am still silenced by my conscience, but it’s also the one who tells me to fucking tell you. I’m hurt, and everything about you just… annoys me. We need to talk. We need to talk. But you think everything’s alright. It just fucking isn’t.
I question myself in this moment, I question everything and everyone has the same answers. Go talk and then walk. Walk away.
I am a person who says whatever she thinks or feels… but not immediately… it takes time and it’s bottled up, because I hope it’s just a passing wind but it’s not. It’s a fucking hurricane. And it’s only me who’s inside of it and I’m the only one getting hurt, so beware. I am coming for you, and I need and want to be harsh, because either this is the end or you change, my friend.