I felt good, yesterday I felt good.
For the first time I was drinking with a great spirit. I’m a little sad that he didn’t wanna come with us though. I was ready to experience another night of singing and laughing and just, living, with him. But he has a life of his own. I feel like I need to give him a little space to unfold. Also I cannot push my pathetic depressive state upon them. That’s why I mostly keep to myself, but… these two people, they keep me alive.
How could I ever go on without them?
If I fear one thing it is picturing my life in 10 years and not having them close to me. No friend, nobody can ever replace them.
I’m sorry for being in my own bubble, I’m gonna get out of it, if soon or if late, some day. Just seems like the world doesn’t care about it. And now I have… I HAVE to show something and I have nothing to show.
Grr… I have to go on. I have to make it through.
I do believe it’s possible to die before death.
But I also do believe it’s possible to come back to life before rebirth.
In all ways possible; we cannot truly define our mental state. So if I say I’ve died. I have.
Until the day I feel again, until the day I can’t hide a smile, until the day that I rather want to be awake than asleep.
But every smile they can get out of me, even the smallest hope, it’s like first-aid. One push. My soul awakens. Second push. They keep me going. I’ll come back alive, just wait and see.
There’s this dream lying in the horizon, shining so bright and looking so tempting, but I can’t be there yet. I can’t go to it yet, because I’m still stuck here beneath a rainy cloud. But I could make the best of the rain? It doesn’t mean that I can’t live, just because I’m not where I want to be?
Still it’s such a nagging thought, that I’ll never experience love. And how can I write about it, without knowing what it is. Without having felt it, it just feels stupid. I’m gonna be great either way. I’m gonna do it my own way.
I’ll find my way through life, I’ll find my way to brighter days and to more exciting days.
I just have to make it through, and if only my mood could stay like this, but I know it can’t. It won’t.
Just be tough and work your way through. You’ll find the dream one day. You’ll get there.
I’ll get there.
How disappointed I will be with myself when I years after this look back and remember that I went home before the party was over and went to bed.
But being surrounded by happy people and walking with aching feet and fighting to stay happy with false hopes no. No I don’t wanna do it.
I have been happy all day, it’s has been wonderful. But I cannot take more challenges upon me. So be disappointed all you want. I can’t do more than this. I am not happy like you guys are. Don’t you see?
Right now it’s not easy being me.
And the evil circle continues
Nobody cares about me. But I also do not dare to tell anyone about how I feel. Don’t wanna ruin my strong and happy image. They’ll just get scared away when they hear about my thoughts. I don’t wanna ask for help. Nobody can help me. Nothing can make me happy again. It’s all a play and behind the scenes… I don’t wanna continue. I sound pathetic.
I feel like you world is against me and so many times I’ve fought it but now I realize that I can never win. And now I’ve lost.
Well for a while…
I was told to say things that was good today without adding the ‘but…’ so that I didn’t ruin the good moment.
I could say four things.
Then I have breathing techniques.
I can do it. I can be happy and feel excited. Depression ain’t gonna stop me from enjoying this party.
Didn’t think everyone would turn against me when the sweet kind Emma broke into pieces and shattered in front of them. I’m a mess and showing me a mirror will only worsen it. You’re the worst. I’m the worst. I should just die. I should just die. I’m not worthy enough to live. I’m ungrateful and unhappy when I should be but there must be a reason please don’t tell me that I’m just such a fucking piece of shit.
I fucking pulled at the scarf, tightening it but it would leave marks and I can’t have that for the big beautiful ball can I?