Page 172

Page 172

Dear world,

Here I am, in my bedroom, where I have been sitting many times, looking out of the window, upon a ever changing world. Tomorrow is the day that I will be the hero I talked about in page 1. I will my own hero. For I have managed to go through hard times, surviving 3 years of hardships. The last 2 years have been even harder than the first and the last year was harder than the other two. Still even when my world was darkest, I managed it through. Now I will not forget the other heroes in my life. They have been the reason that I managed to still be my own hero and not my own villain.
Tomorrow will be a milestone that I have reached and I have reached a few now. This might not even be the biggest one, but for now, it is.
So with a nervous and quivering smile I imagine tomorrow. “So many thing can go wrong…” A voice whispers. “So many things can go right.” I say even louder and hold onto that thought. I could do great. I could come out with a smile. The weather could be great, even though that is not what the weather news told me. Tomorrow could be fun, the party where we celebrate how far I’ve reached, it could be awesome. I could be holding the most awesome speech and I could go to bed… happy and satisfied.
I’m never satisfied but… somehow I got the feeling that maybe this time, I will be. I have worked hard these last days. So the effort should pay off.

No matter what, tomorrow I’m free.

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Miserable Times

Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Can’t I just admit that I’m fucked?
Maybe I am lazy, maybe this is all
just a stupid excuse for not working hard.

I just feel so stupid. I am stupid.
So instead of lingering in misery.
I try to forget how stupid I am,
but I’m back to reality all too fast.

This is such a short time.
In few days I’m free of this hell.
I just want to be free now,
I am aching to finish this.

In these powerless moments,
life seems so colorless and numb,
so bittersweet and painful,
in some emotionless way.

Soon I’ll look back at these times,
knowing that I made it through,
like I made it through hard times before,
but right now, everything is just hopeless…

Open Mind

I have decided
to keep an open mind.

I do not want
to shut anyone out.

Differences shouldn’t
defy who we can be with.

Who we talk with
shouldn’t make us.

Let the world inspire
let the hearts grow.

In silence we aspire
to dream and believe in hope.

The Sisterhood of Night

So intimate in this darkness
where we share secrets from our lips.
Secrets we would have held close,
but we spill out with excited smiles.

Share your secret with me,
tell me your inner dreams, fears, hopes, sins.
And I will tell you mine,
but swear with me, to vow to secrecy.

Let the cold nights be where we dance.
For eternity and forever our secrets belong
to the moon’s light and the fire’s warmth.
Forever let us bond and let silence bring us closer.

wolf

Even the sun hits no ground anymore, the sky is still a pale blue with a faint pink color slowly appearing behind the roof tops. The air is cool, the wind soft as it makes it way through the street, playing with the fresh green leaves and a soft sound emits from them. A cat lazily crosses the street, its collar ringing like a bell. A muffled voice speaks inside a living room, and if you listen closely you can hear music coming from somewhere. A car drives by with a whoosh, leaving the world even more silent after it has left. Summer should be here now, but the feeling that it always brings doesn’t seem to settle in my chest. There’s a child cheering when it sees the green leaves caught inside of me. Still it’s like it doesn’t really reach me. Instead I just walk around, pressure upon my shoulders, weighing me down. I want to feel light, to feel like I could float, but I’m numb. After having carried this heavy load I have been struggling for too long. I can’t feel my fingertips.
Voices call out for me, a rush of light travels through me, but leaves me even darker when it leaves. Like the darkening sky with faint clouds, I wash the light vanish and I wonder what I need to do to make it last a little while longer. A bittersweet feeling lies upon my tongue as my nostrils flare and jaw clench. So many things I have to do, but I do not want to do neither of them. A nauseating feeling bubbles in my stomach and I cover my mouth as my heartbeat quickens, two days passes so fast and I am not ready. I need to do well. I need to do well. A voice whispers about regret and pain and my eyes widen at the sight of me stumbling, of me looking for answers but not being prepared. Of the dawning feeling of looking at the teachers while sitting down in the chair in front of them. They begin to speak before I’ve settled, it sounds promising, but her tone… the tone in her voice. It cannot be? I wonder and she voices the number and I cover the grimace with a lopsided smile. At least it’s over.
But no. I won’t leave the room with a drop of my stomach, I won’t have to try to convince myself that numbers don’t matter no. I will make it and hit the number I want, I want to come out with a relieved smile and yet…
Here I am, not being able to do the simplest things and time is running out. I’ve made it before, I think, but will I make it this time. Oh the anxiousness.
So look ahead, at the gloomy dusking sky, do you see the twinkling stars. So even in the darkest of times, light shines, such an etheral light that brings out wonder and as the majestic moon rises, mysterical and full of cries from people caught in the twilight, crying out to it. A lonely wolf passes the street, its claws clicking on the pavement, while its yellow eyes glows in the shadows. It howls in the darkness outside and I open my eyes wide, peeking out of my dusty window. I want to be that wolf. Strong, even when surrounded by darkness and being lonely, but even stronger with a pack, even wilder as it runs the green hills side by side with family. I want to be a wolf, I want to bring awe to my enemies and rise above my lowly self that cries in the rain.
I want to protect my pack, I want to growl at the danger. A wolf is what I’ll become, no bullet can pierce me and even in death I’ll lash out. Out on the playground I see the wolf, glancing back at me, standing in my illuminated room. A growl leaves it mouth, but I return it, not even faltering my position. Face it straight on, and leave regrets in the deep.
Look ahead, and only glance back.
The paint strokes of clouds are a dark grey, so soft against the dark blue sky, soon it’ll turn navy, soon the sun’ll be gone.
There’s not long before dawn rises once again and heat embraces us with a kind hug, reminding us of summer nights, of laughs and of splashing waves. Of late night walks, only wearing a thin sweater, of crossing limits and of chasing dreams in a moment of courage. Suddenly a week will have passed, and I will glance back and wonder, how could I have feared, how could I have trembled. Now here I am, even taller, and even more ready. I cannot be broken, no bullet can pierce me. Not even one that is fired by me.
And so let 37 hours pass and I’ll have climbed another mountain.
Until the day, I do not longer have to be afraid both awake and asleep.

the well

depression is like falling into a well
some are deeper than others
so deep the light above you can’t be seen
i know it’s up there, because reason is still with me
soaked to my knees i reach up
grabbing the wall and hoisting myself up
but my feet are wet and i slip and fall down
drowning for a while as i try to figure out
where the surface is

then you stand there again, looking up
people are talking up above you,
you call out for help, and sometimes a robe
is thrown down, but it’s not long enough
because they don’t know how deep down you are
so reach up for it, climb up for it, but eventually gives up
“you’re not trying!” you don’t know, your feet aren’t wet
your hands aren’t sore, the water is quite tempting
maybe i should keep my face beneath the surface?

but to hell with that, some light just shone down upon me.
reason haven’t be taken from me yet, i can hear the birds sing
my hands are dry now, i’ll try again, up and up and u-
water splashes down into my face and my left hand slips
so even the world above his fighting to keep me down here
but i want so badly to feel dry ground,
i want so badly to be touched by the sun, i want it all so bad
but i can’t hang there for long, so i slip and i fall
hopefully the next time i try to climb up, i won’t get pushed down.