I am a failure
And I am screwed
I am barely making it through
And nothing is good enough.
The dreams I talk about
I will never reach them.
So let me bury myself
I have lived what I could.
Life just gets worse from now on
That’s why so many die young.
Why not die when everything’s great?
Instead of digging in the dirt and wishing for it years later.
It hurts to see your friends hurting, knowing they’re in the same darkness that you’ve been in.
I have hurt myself too, but I never left any scars, I couldn’t get myself to say that I thought of hurting myself, because I knew that it is thought as crazy. But yes, it is crazy, not that you should blame yourself for doing it or thinking like that. It is human nature and sometimes we just can’t take it anymore. Many does the thing of blaming others, that’s easier for them, while we… we blame ourselves, and so it just turns into a sea of pain.
But having a facade is like building a wall and painting it, then you hide behind. But as time goes by, the rain washes it away. So you redo it, hoping nobody saw you. But the wall will close in on you and corner you and that means you’ll have to barge through it to get over it and it will shock the people on the other side. They didn’t expect it, because they had no idea. I tried to give clues, because I am not good at hiding… but now that you’re out, stay strong, I’ll be there with you.
“Frustration. Desperation. You say you need some kind of medication. Situation: No motivation. Destination: Permanent vacation.”
Being caught in a cloud of negativity is hard. I fight so hard to get out and some times I step out of it, breathing in but then… then I’m caught once more. And I am more lonely than ever. Because I realize that people have other people than me… and I have no one when they’re with them. Maybe I shouldn’t hold on to my friends so much, let them go a little, find love? Who am I kidding, I can’t love myself, so no one can love me, I’ve heard the saying and it must be true… in some ways, but other people can make it work?
I feel so lonely… I want to go out, but I am not ready to fake a smile… So I hide in the darkness… alone and sad.
I focus too much on the inevitable. I gape over too much and I get lost in it and instead I turn my back to it. One thing at a time you stupid perfectionist. You’re so flawed, admit it, face it, and accept it.
I am angry with myself and I am sad over the fact that I am unhappy. But it’s all up to me, and when you do not trust yourself how can you change yourself? It doesn’t do well being cruel to yourself, but I am nothing but cruel.
“You can’t expect for someone to come and pick you up.”
No… But god I wish someone would…
Right now I don’t need to hear the truth. Right now I don’t need to hear that it’s all up to me. I need to believe in someone else than myself, because I am not able to carry the weight.
I have to hope left… only that fake one that won’t last shit… My body is a machine, I am still surpriced to find myself awake the next day… how do I do it? Noone knows.