I am afraid of responsibility. I do not dare look at it.
The dawning realization of failure of not being able to do something…
It makes me want to tear myself apart, in a moment of sorrow, fear and rage.
Will I ever make it through life? Has it been to easy for now?
Or has it been too hard me?
Mom you’re not a failure, what I’m going through… it may be part your fault,
but… I do not want to blame you. I only blame myself for not being strong enough.
If only I had the strength to protect you, to show you how good I could be…
To make you prouder than ever.
Proud and reassured that you did your job as a parent well.
We cannot change what happened to us… we’re all victims, I guess.
You were left behind by your mother and father, and once again by your supposed father.
You cling to your mother, you cling to me. Everybody is trying to tear our family apart.
The people you trusted fail you and use you. Still your smile and laughter brings warmth
to everyone around you.
Your son, my brother, was taken away from us, but it gave us nothing but relief and that…
That led us to feel guilty, that we felt relieved by his absence, while he cried for us not to
let them take him away. We failed him.
Your youngest son, my youngest brother, was slowly turned against us by his mother, and
we could do nothing but try to give him as much love and happiness as he needed while he was with us.
Still he turns his back on us. She… that witch of a mother never loved me or my brother.
She says she loved me, but my brother was too much of a burden, she couldn’t love such a monster. I was the silent one, the one that only brought good things home.
I fought battles in school, inside my mind and as you all focused on my raging brother,
you didn’t see the battles I fought.
The war is won inside my head. I lost and here comes the hurricane hidden away inside of me. Too strong for me to handle and control and I hate lack of control, because noone around me had control and now I am a victim too.
I am the monster now, I am the one who is threatening to leave you mom. Something inside of me threatens to take me away from you and you’re scared, I know.
I am scared too.
So as I fight this darkness, this blackened heart, I bleed and bleed and I slip in it and fall,
I scream out, and I try to find my way to you, but the hurricane won’t let me get to you.
I am tried, I want to give in, but my one goal at making you proud and making you smile is what keeps me going.
Dear mom, don’t you cry, I will get back to you. I will fight through the bullets that I aim at myself, and I will heal myself before you see me hurting. I will be your sun, and I will not leave you.
I am just afraid that I don’t have much of a choice.