Look Alive

And I think I’ve reached the peak of my years,
in those moments so quiet, in those moments so fragile,
I’ve found an inner strength.
I yearn for my home and my family,
but I realize I’ve found one here.
So I close my eyes and feel their warmth,
I listen to those voices and let my eyes trail the scenery.
In this little town, I’ve found a home.

In the round age of 20,
I’ve experienced more than I ever could.
I’ve feared, I’ve loved, I’ve thrived and I’ve lost.
I reach further and I keep winning,
my losses are merely experiences of learning.
Sadness is a part of this journey,
and laughter is the whole thrill of it.
In this country, I have found a way of living.

And I want to experience more,
I want to reach mountains,
and I want to cross borders.
My hunger for the moments ahead
cannot be contained in my chest.
It’s at the tips of my fingertips,
and I let myself sink into it.
In this land, I’ve started an adventure.

Now the only thing I need,
is some sort of satisfaction to my greed.
I want to reach my full potential,
yet I am keeping away because that scares me.
I couldn’t let myself believe my greatness,
because what if I am wrong?
But maybe I should just believe naively.
Because what if I am right?

In this world, I’ve come alive.

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Here We Go Again

I crawl inwards, I hiss in pain and I shake with fear.
Is it coming back? I wonder.
Since when did he haunt me this much?
Appearing in my dreams, preventing me from sleeping.
Where is my motivation to keep going?
I hide in my room, I don’t want to drive,
I just want to be free and not care.
It’s coming back isn’t it?
Does it have me in its palm again?
Am I at its mercy?
I have to be confident with so little time left,
but even in my dreams I cower and I just can’t.
I miss my home and I miss my friends.
I need their support and the comfort.
Yet here I am so many miles away and I…
I am completely useless.
The dreams I have… I’m incapable of doing them.
I can’t even speak my own language anymore.
The days are dark and I crave comfort,
but now I’m known for being “strong”.
Stop haunting me with the memories,
that road is gone.
The future is too fragile and I don’t have the courage,
to carry a thing that could shatter so easily.
I am screaming, but no, I’m rather quiet.
I am trying too hard, my skin is breaking out,
I am gaining weight again instead of losing it.
I can’t tell a guy to respect me because I’m afraid I’ll ruin the mood.
I guess it’s time to ruin the mood like I did last year.
I have to take this decision to become happy.
Fuck it, I want to sleep, sleep for so long.
Why do people put so much hope in me when I am worthless?
I can’t reach that stage; I’ll never finish a project.
My confidence is gone…
and I am falling apart once again.
Is it back?
Please tell me it isn’t back.