I can only hope
that one day
I’ll smile so wide my face will tear
and from within me light will shine.
It will shine so bright
that it’ll blind
every soul that I look upon
and their smiles will tear too.
I treasure those small moments
of feeling so awfully alive
even though I think those moments
to be beneath me as an intellectual.
But I am merely human
with a bleeding heart
and a mind to please
and with dreams to catch.
In this terrible world
all I seek is joy and pleasure
I seek all that makes me feel
yet instead all I feel is shame.
What the fuck is reputation
is it supposed to make you cool
when you feel nothing from it
let’s just fucking feel something.
You’re better than the old you
better than yesterday
better than today
better than tomorrow.
You’re the fucking best
so chase your dreams
and hold on so tightly
don’t you dare let go.
It isn’t easy,
just taking care of kids,
living in a new country,
just working in the house.
I thought it would go smoothly,
but fitting into a family that isn’t yours,
is like forcing the wrong puzzle-piece,
into the wrong spot.
I shaped myself to fit this space.
Every day I have something to prove,
that I am worth remembering,
that I have a space in this world,
that I am worth their time.
I make people laugh,
I make it easier for other people,
I make them feel loved,
I make their day go smoothly by,
I make memories for them,
memories that I hope will last.
Yet I feel that this time was fruitless,
that this hardship proved nothing.
I still not brave enough.
I think this year proved to me,
that I must settle for less,
let go of that dream and put it in a drawer.
From time to time I can look at it,
but I cannot live it.
I do not have enough strength to control me.
I do not have strength enough to survive me.
The world is so cruel. My fate is less.
I am a mere small person with dreams,
I touch some people’s lives…
I guess I did them good,
I made them smile and laugh.
But that strength is limited,
at least I know the truth now.
That I can never,
make myself happy.