Rise

You know I only come on this page when I have too many emotions to deal with at the moment.
So here I am, ready to speak my mind after having two great months without needing to write it down.
I feel alive though. I realize and recognize my pain. The past and the present. My insecurities are there but I manage them and receive so much positivity.
And then as if Denmark has become a thorn and it’s stuck in my heel, I face the mind I’ve been running away from. The narrow-minded people that will never come out of their own bubble.
Do people ever realize that their life is not the only thing? In a story there’s not just one main character, all the other characters are main characters of their own. Like our lives, there are so much more depth to a person than you see.
He must be in a deep pain, he must be caught in this idea of what life is. Pretending that life is simple.
Maybe I’m cursed to have a mind that is too open, too vast and full of corners that I have to explore. I’m cursed with feelings that appear like a cleft and all of sudden you’re falling.
Usually I end up in front of them, staring down into the abyss and wondering if I should let myself fall, but I step over them and continue.
I let myself dive in, I landed and I suffered but I found a ladder up again and somehow I was on higher ground?
I’m alive.
I am living like I should live. Anxiety tugged away, mind open and courage in my heart as I step over my borders. I feel so alive right now, and it’s amazing.

I thought I would always feel so numb, but it’s not like that.

The pain and suffering that I have been through… I will put that in my back and from time to time glance over my shoulder. But ahead there is a mountain and I will reach its peak. I can do this.

I have never in my life been more motivated to fucking do this.

See me rise.

Three

The number 3.

I’ve experienced its pain and its wrath when it suddenly turns to 2 + 1.
When you become the one, who sits in front of the two that judges you.
But I’ve always had one. 1 + 1. Together we were 2, and I could always leave any number that hurt me and walk back to being number 2 together with the one.
But then comes a number more and we become 3. But us three together, it was always 2 + 1 or 1 + 2. Always one would be separated and that was I, number 1, I fought against it and you two embraced the lonely one and together we forged the number 3 into a glorious number that made it as enthralling as it is in fairytales. The most important number, if you want to go on the greatest adventure.
And all our greatest adventures are going to experienced as three.

 

Page 172

Page 172

Dear world,

Here I am, in my bedroom, where I have been sitting many times, looking out of the window, upon a ever changing world. Tomorrow is the day that I will be the hero I talked about in page 1. I will my own hero. For I have managed to go through hard times, surviving 3 years of hardships. The last 2 years have been even harder than the first and the last year was harder than the other two. Still even when my world was darkest, I managed it through. Now I will not forget the other heroes in my life. They have been the reason that I managed to still be my own hero and not my own villain.
Tomorrow will be a milestone that I have reached and I have reached a few now. This might not even be the biggest one, but for now, it is.
So with a nervous and quivering smile I imagine tomorrow. “So many thing can go wrong…” A voice whispers. “So many things can go right.” I say even louder and hold onto that thought. I could do great. I could come out with a smile. The weather could be great, even though that is not what the weather news told me. Tomorrow could be fun, the party where we celebrate how far I’ve reached, it could be awesome. I could be holding the most awesome speech and I could go to bed… happy and satisfied.
I’m never satisfied but… somehow I got the feeling that maybe this time, I will be. I have worked hard these last days. So the effort should pay off.

No matter what, tomorrow I’m free.

Empty Roads

I look out, feeling my emotions start swirling around in my body and I feel sick. I am anxiously tapping the desk and knocking the mouse down at the table whenever I move it around across my screen. Built up frustrations that just seem to come in endless waves threatens to fall over me once again and I push back my chair and stand up. Without thinking I change clothes, grab things I will need; a water bottle, chap stick, candy and then I run into the bathroom, fill the bottle with water and then I eye the toothpaste and then my teeth in the mirror when I smile tightly. I grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth feeling ready to go out and then I go downstairs. I pack the pockets in my jacket with the stuff I will bring along and then choose to take my leopard printed blue shoes and wear them over my socks that do not match today. As I wear my jackets all kinds of thoughts go through my head. Will it be cold outside? Will it be windy? Where shall I drive? Which way? Will this help me feel better? What if I never come back? I can’t do this anymore. No, keep on going, do something.
I go out to test the weather and my mother call on me with a voice laced with worry. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve not gone yet.” I tell her and walk back to wear a scarf. “But I’m gonna go for a drive.”
“Really? Oh well, have a nice drive.” I hear her voice from her bedroom and I eye the door while stuffing headphones into my ears and starting the music.
“Thanks, see you.” I say and walk outside. I notice that my voice lacks that hint of energy and positivity and I imagine myself looking like a zombie. I feel like I’m withering away inside at the age of 18.
I look up at the light grey sky. Why is the world against me? Couldn’t there at least be some sunlight? Maybe a blue sky?
I turn around and ignore the same sight I’ve seen every time I leave my home. Red similar looking buildings, a naked small skinny tree that stands just across the road that cuts its way through the buildings in a u-shape. In another u-shape, smaller buildings with the same look as mine make a u-shape as well and between them there is a playground that is rather empty and boring looking. It’s March the 8.
I hop on my bike, avoiding a small brown dog that tries to get closer to me and I look up at a fat lady who looks rather pissed actually and I quickly drive past her. Why get a dog if you don’t like walking it?
It feels thrilling to drive on my bike without a goal or time-limit. I’m in no hurry and I have no one waiting for me. I just… drive.
I stop by my granny’s house, thinking she would like a visit and it’s enjoyable to hang out in her couch drinking a soda and watching badminton together with her. Then after having been there for nearly an hour I continue my journey.  I drive on ugly roads that just get uglier and around me the world looks more like trash. This is my hometown. I think and drive down beneath the highway or a road leading to the highway and I come up to a factory road. There is a factory which does things I wouldn’t know on my right and empty yards and moldy buildings that would be better gone than standing there and making the place uglier on my right. I continue on, having a small tinge of fear in the back of my mind. I’m alone and if I am jumped here there will be no one to call for help.
Still I feel a bit of adventurous and daring as I drive up a small road that lies right beside a small stream that should end into the sea… I stop on my bike and frown. There’s a big pile of gravel and stone crossing where a beach should’ve been and ending in a pile of sand. I notice the stream now turning to the left and ending in the sea in a black and greenish color. I eye the pile of gravel that is green and red at the bottom because of the stream and think to myself that it’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I remember this place in summertime when I was thirteen. The sun was shining, it was hot. The beach was yellow and the stream cut through the sand and ended in the dark blue water. Big stones went up a hill and led into a wasteland that was filled more and more of wind turbine pieces. We played just by the end of the stones with small toys and beneath the stones they had homes.
I was pulled out of the warm memory and was greeted by a hard cold wind and I frowned at the grey view of careless destruction. This place is disgusting, I think to myself. We’re ruining nature. I look around and wonder if someone is eyeing me suspiciously, since what would a girl with a red bike, blue shoes and a purple scarf be doing here in this forgotten piece of the city. I quickly jump on my bike, for a moment driving without any hands on the handlebar, but I’m not able to do that for long and must grab it to keep the bike steady. I turn right and drive over a bridge with a crooked railing. Somebody must’ve hit it with their car.
I drive past the house I wondered if anyone would ever live in and notice a car in the drive-in. I turn to the left, following the road and then right and down a small yard and then through a small path that leads me to a cemented small square place that lies just at the shore. The wind is very strong here and I struggle standing upright. I close my eyes after putting my bike aside and walking to the very edge. I look down at the waves, the water is black.
It’s cold, but I feel hot from driving against the wind and I take a seat and look up at seagulls crossing the sky. This place at summer… it was a nice place to visit with friends when we felt like driving around. Exploring the city… We’ve had some fun summer evenings here; with the sun sinking below the water and the wind growing colder.  Now I stood there alone, hearing the laughter of my sister, my little brother and almost seeing the bikes lying around, my youngest brother running around on the stones below me. I saw my two friends with their long brown hair dancing in the wind. One of them holding cookies in her hands which I remembered we shared. Well, only one of them is my friend now. I look down and bite my lip. Do I regret? No. It was a friendship I enjoyed… well in the good moments. But now we’ve grown apart.
I shake my head and look up, thinking of something else. Living? Is it worth it? Is everything worth it?
I take pictures on my phone, my fingers are freezing. I put them in my pockets and raise my shoulders, hiding my lower face in my scarf. I really do hate this place, this city. I want to see a beautiful beach, a blue sky, feeling warmth from the sun’s rays. This place is just filled with tired people fighting to get through another similar Sunday. I hate life in this place. I don’t know where to go? Living is just a bitter feeling I constantly have in my mouth.  I wrinkle my nose at the view of empty buildings with broken windows.
One my way home though I pass a man and his car, looking at it with a frown and a piece in his hand that had fallen off the car. I look straight ahead.

All the lost souls that searches for the same empty roads.

And I am one of them.

So far down the road that every single building here is for rent.

I eye a fine looking building with empty rooms. For rent, call this number to rent it. I smile bitterly. Nobody wants this building, who would come out here? Who sees hope in this place? I definitely do not.
Still only driving about 200 meters maybe less, I drive under the road leading to the highway again and I come up to a road with actual houses on each side and people living in them. I wonder if they like living here. On the edge of the city.
It’s tougher on the way home. I want to drive farther away, but my time is up. Life is calling me at home. I am still not free to go. Not yet.

100

“Do not ever give up on yourself. You are a bright and burning star filled with hope and potential. You are meant to accomplish great things in this life and your sparks will ignite the lives of others. You never know how many people your life affects: You are loved by more people than you know. The struggles in your life are not permanent. You will get through them because you are stronger than you know. Take it one day at a time. Focus on hobbies and what you love. Keep praying and believe!”

Kind people do exist… thank you. ❤

I will post this here so it will never be lost again…

Page Nineteen

I do not fear death. I do not fear oblivion. I do not fear dying, because when it ends it ends. I will not have time for regret, and it will be over. I will have reached what I have reached and that will be it.
I fear… I fear growing old. I fear growing old and not being able to do things I’ve wanted to do. I fear regret. You do not feel that when being dead, but when sitting there in a chair and dreaming of how you want to do so many things but can’t. I don’t want to feel that. Because I feel like that so many times already…
So how should I live now? I should not live in fear. If I grow old, I grow old. If I die, I die. I should keep on living, searching for happiness in the moments and doing things that I enjoy.
Fear not. Fear is not living, and doing something because of fear is not living either. So throw away your fear. Walk out of your house, cross the street filled with humming machines. Breathe in the cold winter air. Feel the cool summer breeze. Live. Remember you live now. Not tomorrow, not yesterday. Not only when you are dancing or when you are having fun. You live in pain and you live in sorrow. You are alive.

I am alive.