I look out, feeling my emotions start swirling around in my body and I feel sick. I am anxiously tapping the desk and knocking the mouse down at the table whenever I move it around across my screen. Built up frustrations that just seem to come in endless waves threatens to fall over me once again and I push back my chair and stand up. Without thinking I change clothes, grab things I will need; a water bottle, chap stick, candy and then I run into the bathroom, fill the bottle with water and then I eye the toothpaste and then my teeth in the mirror when I smile tightly. I grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth feeling ready to go out and then I go downstairs. I pack the pockets in my jacket with the stuff I will bring along and then choose to take my leopard printed blue shoes and wear them over my socks that do not match today. As I wear my jackets all kinds of thoughts go through my head. Will it be cold outside? Will it be windy? Where shall I drive? Which way? Will this help me feel better? What if I never come back? I can’t do this anymore. No, keep on going, do something.
I go out to test the weather and my mother call on me with a voice laced with worry. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve not gone yet.” I tell her and walk back to wear a scarf. “But I’m gonna go for a drive.”
“Really? Oh well, have a nice drive.” I hear her voice from her bedroom and I eye the door while stuffing headphones into my ears and starting the music.
“Thanks, see you.” I say and walk outside. I notice that my voice lacks that hint of energy and positivity and I imagine myself looking like a zombie. I feel like I’m withering away inside at the age of 18.
I look up at the light grey sky. Why is the world against me? Couldn’t there at least be some sunlight? Maybe a blue sky?
I turn around and ignore the same sight I’ve seen every time I leave my home. Red similar looking buildings, a naked small skinny tree that stands just across the road that cuts its way through the buildings in a u-shape. In another u-shape, smaller buildings with the same look as mine make a u-shape as well and between them there is a playground that is rather empty and boring looking. It’s March the 8.
I hop on my bike, avoiding a small brown dog that tries to get closer to me and I look up at a fat lady who looks rather pissed actually and I quickly drive past her. Why get a dog if you don’t like walking it?
It feels thrilling to drive on my bike without a goal or time-limit. I’m in no hurry and I have no one waiting for me. I just… drive.
I stop by my granny’s house, thinking she would like a visit and it’s enjoyable to hang out in her couch drinking a soda and watching badminton together with her. Then after having been there for nearly an hour I continue my journey. I drive on ugly roads that just get uglier and around me the world looks more like trash. This is my hometown. I think and drive down beneath the highway or a road leading to the highway and I come up to a factory road. There is a factory which does things I wouldn’t know on my right and empty yards and moldy buildings that would be better gone than standing there and making the place uglier on my right. I continue on, having a small tinge of fear in the back of my mind. I’m alone and if I am jumped here there will be no one to call for help.
Still I feel a bit of adventurous and daring as I drive up a small road that lies right beside a small stream that should end into the sea… I stop on my bike and frown. There’s a big pile of gravel and stone crossing where a beach should’ve been and ending in a pile of sand. I notice the stream now turning to the left and ending in the sea in a black and greenish color. I eye the pile of gravel that is green and red at the bottom because of the stream and think to myself that it’s been awhile since I’ve been here. I remember this place in summertime when I was thirteen. The sun was shining, it was hot. The beach was yellow and the stream cut through the sand and ended in the dark blue water. Big stones went up a hill and led into a wasteland that was filled more and more of wind turbine pieces. We played just by the end of the stones with small toys and beneath the stones they had homes.
I was pulled out of the warm memory and was greeted by a hard cold wind and I frowned at the grey view of careless destruction. This place is disgusting, I think to myself. We’re ruining nature. I look around and wonder if someone is eyeing me suspiciously, since what would a girl with a red bike, blue shoes and a purple scarf be doing here in this forgotten piece of the city. I quickly jump on my bike, for a moment driving without any hands on the handlebar, but I’m not able to do that for long and must grab it to keep the bike steady. I turn right and drive over a bridge with a crooked railing. Somebody must’ve hit it with their car.
I drive past the house I wondered if anyone would ever live in and notice a car in the drive-in. I turn to the left, following the road and then right and down a small yard and then through a small path that leads me to a cemented small square place that lies just at the shore. The wind is very strong here and I struggle standing upright. I close my eyes after putting my bike aside and walking to the very edge. I look down at the waves, the water is black.
It’s cold, but I feel hot from driving against the wind and I take a seat and look up at seagulls crossing the sky. This place at summer… it was a nice place to visit with friends when we felt like driving around. Exploring the city… We’ve had some fun summer evenings here; with the sun sinking below the water and the wind growing colder. Now I stood there alone, hearing the laughter of my sister, my little brother and almost seeing the bikes lying around, my youngest brother running around on the stones below me. I saw my two friends with their long brown hair dancing in the wind. One of them holding cookies in her hands which I remembered we shared. Well, only one of them is my friend now. I look down and bite my lip. Do I regret? No. It was a friendship I enjoyed… well in the good moments. But now we’ve grown apart.
I shake my head and look up, thinking of something else. Living? Is it worth it? Is everything worth it?
I take pictures on my phone, my fingers are freezing. I put them in my pockets and raise my shoulders, hiding my lower face in my scarf. I really do hate this place, this city. I want to see a beautiful beach, a blue sky, feeling warmth from the sun’s rays. This place is just filled with tired people fighting to get through another similar Sunday. I hate life in this place. I don’t know where to go? Living is just a bitter feeling I constantly have in my mouth. I wrinkle my nose at the view of empty buildings with broken windows.
One my way home though I pass a man and his car, looking at it with a frown and a piece in his hand that had fallen off the car. I look straight ahead.
All the lost souls that searches for the same empty roads.
And I am one of them.
So far down the road that every single building here is for rent.
I eye a fine looking building with empty rooms. For rent, call this number to rent it. I smile bitterly. Nobody wants this building, who would come out here? Who sees hope in this place? I definitely do not.
Still only driving about 200 meters maybe less, I drive under the road leading to the highway again and I come up to a road with actual houses on each side and people living in them. I wonder if they like living here. On the edge of the city.
It’s tougher on the way home. I want to drive farther away, but my time is up. Life is calling me at home. I am still not free to go. Not yet.