Suspicions

I have a suspicion as to why I am like I am.
Why my mental state is always a fucking mess.
I thought it was just who I was, and how my life is.
But I realize that I have a lot of good things in my life.
I have always wondered why I just can’t appreciate them.
Why do I still feel hopeless after great nights,
why do I feel like death would be a gift I had always wished for?
Could there be a reason as to why my brain is torturing me all the time?
Maybe I am not fucked up, or maybe I just truly am, but now I have a word for it?
It will be proven soon. I am taking action.
I am afraid, but I am not alone. I have talked to someone about it.
Not to those closest to me, but I don’t want to worry them yet.
When I figure it out, then I can go to them. Confess that there is an explanation.
I hope there is one. It would make my life easier to handle.
But what if I have to take medicine? I am fearing that the most.
That I am more damaged than what I thought I was.
It’s not just a suspicion anymore. I am sure.

Now let’s see if it’s true.

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Defeated

i am a little hopeless again
yet another and another defeat
and i am left with just hope for something good
but when am i ever given something good?
something good that lasts?
my future doesn’t seem bright.
i don’t have someone that loves me…
such a simple thing as that would make me happy.
if i can’t have the dream job,
maybe i can have someone to love?
but no,
i can never love.
because i never let myself do that without fear.

 

life is a struggle

 

i still hate it

Familiar

I’m bothered by how still I’m standing,
walking these familiar streets,
yet they’re all so new,
talking a familiar language,
but stumbling over the words,
learning new things,
working hard,
be good, be perfect,
welcome back, welcome back,
the future is so far away,
yet here i am explaining it,
to another and another,
people with familiar faces,
welcome back, what now?

I am frustrated,
by how little I changed,
and by how different I am,
what I wanted to become,
didn’t happen at all and yet,
I am not the one who left,
is this how it goes?
with so much time,
can I settle for a moment?
I’m afraid of it being only temporary,
of leaving it all behind once again,
becoming a familiar stranger,
cutting friendships short,
safe travels, goodbye!

I am afraid of letting go,
of learning how to hold on,
and then letting go as I leave again,
only a year, then you’re somewhere new,
but I am not, the future isn’t settled,
so much time, so many expectations,
trying to stay familiar,
trying not to seem out of place,
but I am a different colored puzzle piece,
and I do not fit in anymore,
I never looked right,
but now I am not shaped right.
Few friends fit with me,
safe travels, see you again?

It’s like going back to my childhood,
visiting old places,
seeing how the children of my time has grown,
all of them familiar,
but now new people,
the winter aches in my bones,
but the smile of a friend lifts my spirits,
I am safe here,
yet so changed and unknown,
is the future bright?
or am I going to settle with this familiar place?
Leaving behind all my dreams,
of places far, far away?
welcome back, welcome home!

The Quiet Days

The quiet days,
the ringing in your ears,
because last night was so loud,
now the wind softly plays with the curtains,
and colors outside are changing
but for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
the beating of your heart,
because tomorrow will be loud,
now the clouds pass by slowly outside,
and the sky is such a pale blue,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
when laughter has subsided,
because last night was so great,
now the sun shines a light upon my carpet,
and the sounds outside are passing by,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

The quiet days,
when the music softly plays,
because tomorrow will be new,
now the mind tries to unwind in a personal space,
and the thoughts inside are passing by,
for a moment, it doesn’t rain.

Hold On Tightly

I can only hope
that one day
I’ll smile so wide my face will tear
and from within me light will shine.

It will shine so bright
that it’ll blind
every soul that I look upon
and their smiles will tear too.

I treasure those small moments
of feeling so awfully alive
even though I think those moments
to be beneath me as an intellectual.

But I am merely human
with a bleeding heart
and a mind to please
and with dreams to catch.

In this terrible world
all I seek is joy and pleasure
I seek all that makes me feel
yet instead all I feel is shame.

What the fuck is reputation
is it supposed to make you cool
when you feel nothing from it
let’s just fucking feel something.

You’re better than the old you
better than yesterday
better than today
better than tomorrow.

You’re the fucking best
so chase your dreams
and hold on so tightly
don’t you dare let go.

At least I know

It isn’t easy,
just taking care of kids,
living in a new country,
just working in the house.
I thought it would go smoothly,
but fitting into a family that isn’t yours,
is like forcing the wrong puzzle-piece,
into the wrong spot.
I shaped myself to fit this space.
Every day I have something to prove,
that I am worth remembering,
that I have a space in this world,
that I am worth their time.
I make people laugh,
I make it easier for other people,
I make them feel loved,
I make their day go smoothly by,
I make memories for them,
memories that I hope will last.
Yet I feel that this time was fruitless,
that this hardship proved nothing.
I still not brave enough.
I think this year proved to me,
that I must settle for less,
let go of that dream and put it in a drawer.
From time to time I can look at it,
but I cannot live it.
I do not have enough strength to control me.
I do not have strength enough to survive me.
The world is so cruel. My fate is less.
I am a mere small person with dreams,
I touch some people’s lives…
I guess I did them good,
I made them smile and laugh.
But that strength is limited,
at least I know the truth now.
That I can never,
make myself happy.

Look Alive

And I think I’ve reached the peak of my years,
in those moments so quiet, in those moments so fragile,
I’ve found an inner strength.
I yearn for my home and my family,
but I realize I’ve found one here.
So I close my eyes and feel their warmth,
I listen to those voices and let my eyes trail the scenery.
In this little town, I’ve found a home.

In the round age of 20,
I’ve experienced more than I ever could.
I’ve feared, I’ve loved, I’ve thrived and I’ve lost.
I reach further and I keep winning,
my losses are merely experiences of learning.
Sadness is a part of this journey,
and laughter is the whole thrill of it.
In this country, I have found a way of living.

And I want to experience more,
I want to reach mountains,
and I want to cross borders.
My hunger for the moments ahead
cannot be contained in my chest.
It’s at the tips of my fingertips,
and I let myself sink into it.
In this land, I’ve started an adventure.

Now the only thing I need,
is some sort of satisfaction to my greed.
I want to reach my full potential,
yet I am keeping away because that scares me.
I couldn’t let myself believe my greatness,
because what if I am wrong?
But maybe I should just believe naively.
Because what if I am right?

In this world, I’ve come alive.