Reasons Why: First

Listen… I may be an author, but I don’t understand life. Maybe I get life in general… but my own is a mess I can’t figure out. I’m afraid I’m leaving someone behind and I’m afraid that what I feel… is not like I thought it would be. Maybe I’ve become too much of an author, the thing is I can describe death scenes in detail but I can’t describe my own emotions in order to make sense of them.

As I think of how broken the world is I am reminded how hard I’ve tried to fix it. I am a mere puzzle piece to other people’s puzzles and I may not even matter that much. Or maybe I’m the corner piece or that missing one…

I am just as self-absorbed as everyone else is. If I could read minds I’d not spend as much time trying to figure out my own all the time. I forget people… and I neglect people. But in life the only one I got at all times is myself. And I got hurt and I am trying to defend or protect myself and now I feel like I am just avoiding the darkness that could be brighter if I dared to shed a light on it. And I don’t want you to be my darkness but you kind of were. But you were an exciting darkness, an experience of emotions I thought I didn’t have anymore.

The thing is that I want that chapter to be over. If I go back will it just be a continuation or will it be a new one?

Such a big problem in my tiny existence. Am I a big puzzle piece in your life? Or just another one?

I don’t really trust people when it comes to this. And as you’ve said it is obvious why.  God I wish I could be more naive, but as an author I plan ahead and I know which situation leads to what. Or I think I know.

I don’t know anything. I just realized that. I really don’t know. So please don’t expect anything from me.

 

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My First Love Ends

Who would’ve thought my first breakup would end with “I love you” and a kiss goodbye?
He’s so beautiful… He deserves the world and even if I will not be a close part of it…
I’ll still be there and he’ll be there too.

We’re best friends…

I can force out these feelings like I’ve done before.
But not feelings this deep, I couldn’t even look at him because every time I did I started crying.

I keep forgetting how much I love him. I thought love would be a constant feeling but it’s not always there it’s deep within you and it comes forward in waves.

Like when I look into his eyes…

I’ve learned a lot about love. I’ve learned a lot about a lot of things and I’m so grateful.
He’s so beautiful… inside and out. We’ve been through shit, I’ve seen him at his worst.
But it never scared me away.

But I respect him too. So I won’t hold on to something he doesn’t have the strength to carry.

It is hurting him too, but I’m kind of proud that he has come this far. He’ll get better and he’ll find his way.

I’ll find mine too. Alone.

A relationship was nice, but somehow I feel like I’ll never try to get into one again. It’s boundaries and it’s settling and I want to fly and travel.

I’ll be your best friend forever. Because that is what I do best in life. I’m loyal to you as a friend and I’ll always be there.

Even when you find someone new. I’ll be proud of you and I’ll support you.

Because you deserve the whole world.

And I’ll watch you rise up.

Hopefully… I will rise up too.

Love

It’s burying a smile
in your pillowcase.
It’s rolling to the other side
because of the tickling feeling.
It’s singing your heart out to love songs,
because now you understand.
It’s the feeling of standing in the sun’s light,
even if it’s raining.
It’s the relief of frustration washing away,
and feeling at ease.
It’s the urge to hold on, to give in,
to let it out.
It’s fighting for it and crying over it,
but not letting go.
It’s the joy of knowing
that you’ll see them soon.
It’s the wanting, the passion and the lust,
running through your veins at one touch
It’s finding yourself watching them talk,
and them asking you what you’re looking at.
It’s the warmth in your heart,
just at the thought of them.
It’s holding hands under any sky,
and feeling at home.
It’s love.

 

The Sky Will Clear

Your eyes speak for you,
the way you run your hand through your hair,
the way you turn your face away,
turn your back on me.
No words that I say reaches you,
there’s a wall of ice between us,
thick as it is I see you clearly,
hiding behind it and feeling cold and alone.

I fight it with fire,
I fight it with love,
I fall silent with you,
and my hand is pressed against the cold ice,
and I fall to my knees.
Do my voice even reach you,
or do my words disappear?
I feel your sorrow, know that I’m here.

If I knew what love is,
I would preach it to everyone,
to make it easier for them to understand.
Love isn’t the same for anyone,
so here I am with a puzzle,
in front of a door leading to a room you’re in.
The key is the puzzle, but you want to know,
you want to know right now.

And I fumble with the pieces,
and I drop them with trembling hands.
I knock on the door instead,
yet I receive no answer.
It’s not my fault, I know it isn’t.
But I wish I could touch your heart,
warm it with my own two hands,
Trust me on this, dawn is near.

Summer will come,
Summer is right here.
With you under the moon, I feel at peace.
But you worry about the moon,
because I can’t stay
to watch the sun rise with you.
I’ve been there before,
hating myself and feeling hopeless.

All I want is to tear the clouds apart,
and let the sun shine on you.
Watch your skin brighten,
and your blue eyes clear.
I want to chase away the shadows,
and take your hand in mine.
We’ll walk up this hill togehter,
even if it’s not my hill to climb.

When darkness embraces us,
the light we seek is brighter.
So walk in the fog with me,
let’s chase this light,
through cold and blur,
I’ll be the one to make sure,
that we get through this,
that we love our way through this.

But But

There are voices.
Telling me this isn’t real,
this is not what I searched for.
This is not forever,
love is fleeting,
feelings come and go.

But now there is a bond beyond that,
I let it go too far,
I ended up falling for you.
And I keep on falling,
deeper and deeper.
Forever isn’t needed.

Yet reality comes back,
you want to reach your dreams,
won’t he limit that?
You have to work hard,
you can’t enjoy something as fragile.
It could fall apart and ruin you.

But what if it made me stronger?
What if it brought me to some place,
I could never have gone alone?
What if it’s a bridge towards a home?
Can’t I live in forever just for a moment,
a promise with him?

But I do not believe in love,
and maybe I never will.
Maybe that’s my curse to live with,
being unable to love truly and fully,
with no fear and no regrets.
Maybe that’s my curse.

Yet I don’t want to bring that onto you,
You don’t deserve someone who doubts,
This is my flaw, this is the worst flaw.
You’re my first love and I force myself to be ready to let go.
Let you go, leave you behind.
How could I live with myself?

And that’s the thing… I could.
Because I am not good to myself,
a voice would say, you made the right choice.
Love isn’t the thing to choose, you have dreams to live.
My dream has never been love,
love has always been a nightmare.

And yet I fucking love this nightmare.
Of holding on or letting go.
I’ll hold on for as long as I can,
maybe let myself believe that there is no end.
Maybe this place is a beginning,
and maybe you’re a part of that.

There are voices in my head,
telling me this is real.
This is what I waited for.
This could be forever,
love is deep and it lasts,
this is worth holding onto.