oh dear…

i am frightened,

frightened because of change

frightened because of change i have never done before

frigthened because i will feel joy

and she will be chased away

i’m frightened because….

because i never intended for her to be lost

so lost after four long years

i hoped she would have plans

have a future in mind

because i have written mine down

and now

now my future is wobbling

wobbling on sticks i thought were pillars

now i have to tell him that i cannot provide a home

i cannot provide a home without throwing her out

i cannot promise a secure future

i thought everything was settled

i thought everything was settled?

everything was settled?

right?

it’s not???

oh dear oh dear oh dear

i messed up real bad

or did i?

i thougth i asked

i thought we agreed

did i tell him lies?

oh dear oh dear

now i will be the one to tell him

that our dreams may be postponed

because she has no plans

and so ours cannot be

and so we are stuck here

in a dream

and my plans are dreams

and my dreams cannot be

my dreams…

must wait

oh dear…

The Distance Between Us

we have been torn apart
mountains, lakes, fields and cities are inbetween
they have grown up and pushed
pushed us to our own continent
and we feel different temperatures
different rain
different air
i ache for your touch
but you are too far away

i stepped on that plane willingly
it took me up and away
but my heart left me behind
i feel like it’s out of my chest
and i keep hurting
i feel lost
i feel guilty
i feel like i’m the one
who left you behind

there is a pressure in my chest
i think of you and what you go through
and i know that i could’ve
i could’ve been there with you
those people that hurt you i could…
if i had
if i were
but i’m not there and the plans i made
they waited for me

like i know you are
you are waiting so patiently
but very begrudgingly
and i understand your frustration
because imagine me
i hate this
i hate it
i hate being here so far away
but i have to be here for long

i will come back
and when i’m back
i will love you more than before

soulmate meets soulmate

did you know that I am in love with you?
yes. yes, you do.
it started with a smile, and it brought light into my life.
it brought butterflies and giggles and trembling hands.
whenever we met i felt as if all the nerves in my body
charged up and buzzed expectantly.
my cheeks are still bright pink whenever we’re together.
i’m sure they were then. how obvious.
i thought i did it smoothly, i thought i did it gracefully.
but we were awkward and foolish,
yet it all worked out. look at us.
we’re clinging onto each other, but we’re also giving space,
space to breathe and grow.
yet i find that with you in the space, everything is easier.

now i look back at my younger self with a smile,
instead of shutting her out and hating her.
and she is just as excited as i am.
how beautiful and rare you are, so divine and yet mortal.
brutally mortal. you have experienced pain that scares even me.
and now i am so happy to be able to give you joy.
if this joy lasts, which i will make it do, then life will be great.
with you hard times will not be great mountains that i climb alone.
with you i exist even more in moments that i otherwise would forget.
with you i am my best self.
i am leaving for many days, and all those days will be painful,
but i hope that we will make it through,
with stronger hearts and even more love to give.

you are my soulmate.

Let Me Love

he said it
said those words
and they blew me away
i felt a surge in my chest
going through all of my body
like electricity
i was left breathless

and every time
i find myself trying
trying to say those words
i hear them in my mind
but they never pass my lips
a gate closes
and i hope he sees it in my eyes

he says it now
with confidence and a smile
a smile that turns brighter
and he says that he never thought
that he would be able to love someone
like he loves me
and i want to say it too

i have never
never ever felt something
more confusing
than not being able to tell someone
that i love them……
even writing it is hard
i feel physical restraint

it’ll get easier
but first
it will be hard
facing my biggest fear
but i want him to know
i want myself to know
i want to love
i want to love
i want to love someone
i want to love someone
i want to love him
i want to love him so badly

love isn’t weakness
how can i convince myself that
after so many years of hurting
after so many years of anxiety
how can i allow myself to open up
to bare myself completely
and let someone hold my heart in their hands
when i know they can crush it
i know that he would never
that he would care for it and be gentle
but it’s not him
it’s my own battle
he never caused that fear
it came inside my heart and settled
and now i will chase it away

 

blossoming

i gave you a hickey
not intentionally
man, i feel like a teenager
giggling and grinning
i apologize
but you have a funny story
and you can tell it to anyone
because honestly
i am proud
so proud
to have you by my side

you have asked me
if i wanted to meet your family
to meet your friends
and i can’t believe
that someone is that happy
with me
that someone wants me
to meet their loved ones
and tell them
that i am the one
the one they…

i look forward to
you meeting
the people that i love
the people that love me
the people of my life
because already
you have become one of those
not to say that word
yet
that word is too great
and i am not brave enough

or am i?
i will be
my bravery is growing
and my smile is there
the thoughts of repercussions
will vanish with each kiss
with each laugh
with each hug
and one day
i won’t even think about it
the words will just come

i am looking forward to it

It is

It is something,
something indescribable,
something beyond my imagination,
3 weeks have passed since i last wrote,
and let me tell you,
i’ve fallen in love.

he does this thing,
something of a frown,
his eyebrows dip and bend,
they point upwards only shortly,
and his eyes shine so brightly,
as he gazes at me fondly.

i gathered my courage,
i asked him if he wanted
to spend time with me alone,
and he grinned so eagerly,
and we walked together in the night,
our hands finding each other beneath the stars.

his touches are tentative,
but he is warming up to me,
and i find it easier to breathe with him,
i keep finding myself holding it,
because he steals my breath away,
and i don’t want to miss a second.

we fit sort of perfectly,
even though that word
tastes bitter in my mouth,
it is the closest thing
to describing it,
i feel so at ease with him.

everybody congratulates me,
and i battle my fears,
because even though it feels
as easy as breathing,
i have choked on it before,
and i’m afraid and hopeful.

this is living,
i am so alive,
i am smiling and i am laughing,
and i love to listen to him,
to watch him sit quietly,
to hold him close to me.

it is something,
it is so much more,
and i want to embrace it,
he makes my world spin,
but he keeps me grounded,
and he said the same to me.

“i feel so at ease with you.”
“i feel so happy right now with you.”
“you’re so beautiful.”
“you’re so strong.”
“i miss you and it’s only been a day.”
“can i see you at school? will that be okay?”

how easy it is to fall in,
it is like the movies,
but this one is a happy one,
this one will be a comedy,
we’ll be stupid together,
and we’ll support each other.

finally, i found that something.

that someone.

Could it be?

I’m listening to a song he recommended to me,
and I’m already daydreaming about our next meeting,
when I see him I smile without trying to,
there is this spark within me when our eyes meet,
I can’t stop this fluttering in my stomach and chest,
It consumes me as I try to fall asleep,
It’s comfortable though,
we’re both leaning in, both falling down,
but we do it together, I am not in doubt.

Our hands haven’t held,
but they have briefly touched as I take the pen from his hands,
we sit close, our shoulders brushing as we draw,
it’s the same sketchbook and it’s me teaching him,
how to draw the curves of lips,
and without noticing I stare at his,
but we have not kissed,
and I know my chest will explode when that happens,
because this energy inside of me will burst free.

It had been immediate,
I talked to him because of mutual interest,
because I could see he didn’t talk to anyone,
and he responded eagerly,
and his smile started something within me,
I remembered him clearly that night,
and he haunted me so sweetly,
I looked forward to our next meeting,
and the next got better and better.

Crushes to me are devastating,
they take me by surprise,
but it is bittersweet with the pain of not knowing,
I always ended up seeing them pay more attention,
to someone prettier than me,
and I found myself unloveable,
but here I am, and there he is,
so tall and handsome and interesting,
we know each other already, and yet we know nothing.

Could this really be something?

Too Heavy

i feel bigger every day,
and smaller as i grow,
i feel caught in a body that do not listen,
and i shout but nothing happens,
and as i fall into a pit of hatred,
i forget that my body responds,
by growing bigger.

my body is in pain,
my mind is in shackles,
i feel betrayed by my mind,
i feel betrayed by my world,
how is this what a woman needs,
and why is this a normal effect??

it’s killing me fast and rapidly,
destroying everything i am,
i cannot fit, it’s too tight,
i bump into things
and i feel like i am looking at a giant
i do not know,
i am in denial and i won’t accept.

it all costs money
and i am in no mental state to get up,
so i sit on the ground
not crying and just moaning in self pity,
people are annoyed with me
i am annoyed with me

i talk too much,
i complain too much,
i am negative,
i am dramatic,
i overreact,
i am too harsh on myself,

…

so what do you suggest i do?

…

nobody listens,
so i will keep crying
until somebody does
but no one can help me
because they do not have the time
or the will
i am worthless
and i don’t want to carry all the weight

i’m too heavy

I bet it’s nice to be loved.

Reboot

it’s time to reboot
the system has been infiltrated by a dark virus
it broke down and gave in
but right before the light flickered out
someone pulled a lever
alarms are blaring
but the steam is being let out

it’s time to start over
it’s time for an update
this time one strong enough to fight the next virus
because the next virus will be stronger
but the system will be too
we’re pushing a button
that will restart it all

but how do you do that?

you take a deep breath
you go through your mind
you do all of the above
all that is good is not lost
if you need a visible change
cut your hair
clean your room

breathe in. make the change. open your eyes.

 

Installing update…