I can only hope
that one day
I’ll smile so wide my face will tear
and from within me light will shine.
It will shine so bright
that it’ll blind
every soul that I look upon
and their smiles will tear too.
I treasure those small moments
of feeling so awfully alive
even though I think those moments
to be beneath me as an intellectual.
But I am merely human
with a bleeding heart
and a mind to please
and with dreams to catch.
In this terrible world
all I seek is joy and pleasure
I seek all that makes me feel
yet instead all I feel is shame.
What the fuck is reputation
is it supposed to make you cool
when you feel nothing from it
let’s just fucking feel something.
You’re better than the old you
better than yesterday
better than today
better than tomorrow.
You’re the fucking best
so chase your dreams
and hold on so tightly
don’t you dare let go.
It isn’t easy,
just taking care of kids,
living in a new country,
just working in the house.
I thought it would go smoothly,
but fitting into a family that isn’t yours,
is like forcing the wrong puzzle-piece,
into the wrong spot.
I shaped myself to fit this space.
Every day I have something to prove,
that I am worth remembering,
that I have a space in this world,
that I am worth their time.
I make people laugh,
I make it easier for other people,
I make them feel loved,
I make their day go smoothly by,
I make memories for them,
memories that I hope will last.
Yet I feel that this time was fruitless,
that this hardship proved nothing.
I still not brave enough.
I think this year proved to me,
that I must settle for less,
let go of that dream and put it in a drawer.
From time to time I can look at it,
but I cannot live it.
I do not have enough strength to control me.
I do not have strength enough to survive me.
The world is so cruel. My fate is less.
I am a mere small person with dreams,
I touch some people’s lives…
I guess I did them good,
I made them smile and laugh.
But that strength is limited,
at least I know the truth now.
That I can never,
make myself happy.
And I think I’ve reached the peak of my years,
in those moments so quiet, in those moments so fragile,
I’ve found an inner strength.
I yearn for my home and my family,
but I realize I’ve found one here.
So I close my eyes and feel their warmth,
I listen to those voices and let my eyes trail the scenery.
In this little town, I’ve found a home.
In the round age of 20,
I’ve experienced more than I ever could.
I’ve feared, I’ve loved, I’ve thrived and I’ve lost.
I reach further and I keep winning,
my losses are merely experiences of learning.
Sadness is a part of this journey,
and laughter is the whole thrill of it.
In this country, I have found a way of living.
And I want to experience more,
I want to reach mountains,
and I want to cross borders.
My hunger for the moments ahead
cannot be contained in my chest.
It’s at the tips of my fingertips,
and I let myself sink into it.
In this land, I’ve started an adventure.
Now the only thing I need,
is some sort of satisfaction to my greed.
I want to reach my full potential,
yet I am keeping away because that scares me.
I couldn’t let myself believe my greatness,
because what if I am wrong?
But maybe I should just believe naively.
Because what if I am right?
In this world, I’ve come alive.
I crawl inwards, I hiss in pain and I shake with fear.
Is it coming back? I wonder.
Since when did he haunt me this much?
Appearing in my dreams, preventing me from sleeping.
Where is my motivation to keep going?
I hide in my room, I don’t want to drive,
I just want to be free and not care.
It’s coming back isn’t it?
Does it have me in its palm again?
Am I at its mercy?
I have to be confident with so little time left,
but even in my dreams I cower and I just can’t.
I miss my home and I miss my friends.
I need their support and the comfort.
Yet here I am so many miles away and I…
I am completely useless.
The dreams I have… I’m incapable of doing them.
I can’t even speak my own language anymore.
The days are dark and I crave comfort,
but now I’m known for being “strong”.
Stop haunting me with the memories,
that road is gone.
The future is too fragile and I don’t have the courage,
to carry a thing that could shatter so easily.
I am screaming, but no, I’m rather quiet.
I am trying too hard, my skin is breaking out,
I am gaining weight again instead of losing it.
I can’t tell a guy to respect me because I’m afraid I’ll ruin the mood.
I guess it’s time to ruin the mood like I did last year.
I have to take this decision to become happy.
Fuck it, I want to sleep, sleep for so long.
Why do people put so much hope in me when I am worthless?
I can’t reach that stage; I’ll never finish a project.
My confidence is gone…
and I am falling apart once again.
Is it back?
Please tell me it isn’t back.
Who would’ve thought my first breakup would end with “I love you” and a kiss goodbye?
He’s so beautiful… He deserves the world and even if I will not be a close part of it…
I’ll still be there and he’ll be there too.
We’re best friends…
I can force out these feelings like I’ve done before.
But not feelings this deep, I couldn’t even look at him because every time I did I started crying.
I keep forgetting how much I love him. I thought love would be a constant feeling but it’s not always there it’s deep within you and it comes forward in waves.
Like when I look into his eyes…
I’ve learned a lot about love. I’ve learned a lot about a lot of things and I’m so grateful.
He’s so beautiful… inside and out. We’ve been through shit, I’ve seen him at his worst.
But it never scared me away.
But I respect him too. So I won’t hold on to something he doesn’t have the strength to carry.
It is hurting him too, but I’m kind of proud that he has come this far. He’ll get better and he’ll find his way.
I’ll find mine too. Alone.
A relationship was nice, but somehow I feel like I’ll never try to get into one again. It’s boundaries and it’s settling and I want to fly and travel.
I’ll be your best friend forever. Because that is what I do best in life. I’m loyal to you as a friend and I’ll always be there.
Even when you find someone new. I’ll be proud of you and I’ll support you.
Because you deserve the whole world.
And I’ll watch you rise up.
Hopefully… I will rise up too.
It’s burying a smile
in your pillowcase.
It’s rolling to the other side
because of the tickling feeling.
It’s singing your heart out to love songs,
because now you understand.
It’s the feeling of standing in the sun’s light,
even if it’s raining.
It’s the relief of frustration washing away,
and feeling at ease.
It’s the urge to hold on, to give in,
to let it out.
It’s fighting for it and crying over it,
but not letting go.
It’s the joy of knowing
that you’ll see them soon.
It’s the wanting, the passion and the lust,
running through your veins at one touch
It’s finding yourself watching them talk,
and them asking you what you’re looking at.
It’s the warmth in your heart,
just at the thought of them.
It’s holding hands under any sky,
and feeling at home.