the aftermath of a panic attack
the total focus on how your sobs sound
you can’t even be swallowed by it
because you’re still trying to be in control
your eyes are wet
your hands trembling
and you wish for it to stop
but you have no courage
how do you ask for help
when your perfect image is shattering
how do you ask for forgiveness
for wishing for death
i don’t want to take the selfish way
not by giving in
i want to strive and shine
but i look at what i have and realize what i do not
and the limit of time pressures me into dispear
and i can’t even think clear
i’ll forever be uselss to myself
a body unable to do what i want
a mind just was weak
i’ll live my life being disappointed in myself
and never seek higher ground
i’m a low being and when i do go higher
i realize it was on unstable ground
and i fall even lower than i had ever been
so why should i try to crawl up again
when i know i’ll never make it
the aftermath of a panic attack
the numb feeling in your heart
and the ache in your back
what does it take
to get back on track?


Hold Back

Money leaves your hand so fast,
you beg for more,
to those who look up to you,
who should learn from you,
who should receive your fortune,
instead of your debt.

Children take care of mothers,
they earn money and they send them off to her,
they struggle themselves to hold onto paper,
it slips away and it slips away,
who taught them to hold on?
Who taught them to stand strong?

I write it down,
because I don’t do well either,
I stand my ground,
because you never learned to do that,
I cannot hold it back,
because I love you.
So please hold back for me instead.



I’m bothered by how still I’m standing,
walking these familiar streets,
yet they’re all so new,
talking a familiar language,
but stumbling over the words,
learning new things,
working hard,
be good, be perfect,
welcome back, welcome back,
the future is so far away,
yet here i am explaining it,
to another and another,
people with familiar faces,
welcome back, what now?

I am frustrated,
by how little I changed,
and by how different I am,
what I wanted to become,
didn’t happen at all and yet,
I am not the one who left,
is this how it goes?
with so much time,
can I settle for a moment?
I’m afraid of it being only temporary,
of leaving it all behind once again,
becoming a familiar stranger,
cutting friendships short,
safe travels, goodbye!

I am afraid of letting go,
of learning how to hold on,
and then letting go as I leave again,
only a year, then you’re somewhere new,
but I am not, the future isn’t settled,
so much time, so many expectations,
trying to stay familiar,
trying not to seem out of place,
but I am a different colored puzzle piece,
and I do not fit in anymore,
I never looked right,
but now I am not shaped right.
Few friends fit with me,
safe travels, see you again?

It’s like going back to my childhood,
visiting old places,
seeing how the children of my time has grown,
all of them familiar,
but now new people,
the winter aches in my bones,
but the smile of a friend lifts my spirits,
I am safe here,
yet so changed and unknown,
is the future bright?
or am I going to settle with this familiar place?
Leaving behind all my dreams,
of places far, far away?
welcome back, welcome home!

Hold On Tightly

I can only hope
that one day
I’ll smile so wide my face will tear
and from within me light will shine.

It will shine so bright
that it’ll blind
every soul that I look upon
and their smiles will tear too.

I treasure those small moments
of feeling so awfully alive
even though I think those moments
to be beneath me as an intellectual.

But I am merely human
with a bleeding heart
and a mind to please
and with dreams to catch.

In this terrible world
all I seek is joy and pleasure
I seek all that makes me feel
yet instead all I feel is shame.

What the fuck is reputation
is it supposed to make you cool
when you feel nothing from it
let’s just fucking feel something.

You’re better than the old you
better than yesterday
better than today
better than tomorrow.

You’re the fucking best
so chase your dreams
and hold on so tightly
don’t you dare let go.

At least I know

It isn’t easy,
just taking care of kids,
living in a new country,
just working in the house.
I thought it would go smoothly,
but fitting into a family that isn’t yours,
is like forcing the wrong puzzle-piece,
into the wrong spot.
I shaped myself to fit this space.
Every day I have something to prove,
that I am worth remembering,
that I have a space in this world,
that I am worth their time.
I make people laugh,
I make it easier for other people,
I make them feel loved,
I make their day go smoothly by,
I make memories for them,
memories that I hope will last.
Yet I feel that this time was fruitless,
that this hardship proved nothing.
I still not brave enough.
I think this year proved to me,
that I must settle for less,
let go of that dream and put it in a drawer.
From time to time I can look at it,
but I cannot live it.
I do not have enough strength to control me.
I do not have strength enough to survive me.
The world is so cruel. My fate is less.
I am a mere small person with dreams,
I touch some people’s lives…
I guess I did them good,
I made them smile and laugh.
But that strength is limited,
at least I know the truth now.
That I can never,
make myself happy.

Look Alive

And I think I’ve reached the peak of my years,
in those moments so quiet, in those moments so fragile,
I’ve found an inner strength.
I yearn for my home and my family,
but I realize I’ve found one here.
So I close my eyes and feel their warmth,
I listen to those voices and let my eyes trail the scenery.
In this little town, I’ve found a home.

In the round age of 20,
I’ve experienced more than I ever could.
I’ve feared, I’ve loved, I’ve thrived and I’ve lost.
I reach further and I keep winning,
my losses are merely experiences of learning.
Sadness is a part of this journey,
and laughter is the whole thrill of it.
In this country, I have found a way of living.

And I want to experience more,
I want to reach mountains,
and I want to cross borders.
My hunger for the moments ahead
cannot be contained in my chest.
It’s at the tips of my fingertips,
and I let myself sink into it.
In this land, I’ve started an adventure.

Now the only thing I need,
is some sort of satisfaction to my greed.
I want to reach my full potential,
yet I am keeping away because that scares me.
I couldn’t let myself believe my greatness,
because what if I am wrong?
But maybe I should just believe naively.
Because what if I am right?

In this world, I’ve come alive.

Here We Go Again

I crawl inwards, I hiss in pain and I shake with fear.
Is it coming back? I wonder.
Since when did he haunt me this much?
Appearing in my dreams, preventing me from sleeping.
Where is my motivation to keep going?
I hide in my room, I don’t want to drive,
I just want to be free and not care.
It’s coming back isn’t it?
Does it have me in its palm again?
Am I at its mercy?
I have to be confident with so little time left,
but even in my dreams I cower and I just can’t.
I miss my home and I miss my friends.
I need their support and the comfort.
Yet here I am so many miles away and I…
I am completely useless.
The dreams I have… I’m incapable of doing them.
I can’t even speak my own language anymore.
The days are dark and I crave comfort,
but now I’m known for being “strong”.
Stop haunting me with the memories,
that road is gone.
The future is too fragile and I don’t have the courage,
to carry a thing that could shatter so easily.
I am screaming, but no, I’m rather quiet.
I am trying too hard, my skin is breaking out,
I am gaining weight again instead of losing it.
I can’t tell a guy to respect me because I’m afraid I’ll ruin the mood.
I guess it’s time to ruin the mood like I did last year.
I have to take this decision to become happy.
Fuck it, I want to sleep, sleep for so long.
Why do people put so much hope in me when I am worthless?
I can’t reach that stage; I’ll never finish a project.
My confidence is gone…
and I am falling apart once again.
Is it back?
Please tell me it isn’t back.