soulmate meets soulmate

did you know that I am in love with you?
yes. yes, you do.
it started with a smile, and it brought light into my life.
it brought butterflies and giggles and trembling hands.
whenever we met i felt as if all the nerves in my body
charged up and buzzed expectantly.
my cheeks are still bright pink whenever we’re together.
i’m sure they were then. how obvious.
i thought i did it smoothly, i thought i did it gracefully.
but we were awkward and foolish,
yet it all worked out. look at us.
we’re clinging onto each other, but we’re also giving space,
space to breathe and grow.
yet i find that with you in the space, everything is easier.

now i look back at my younger self with a smile,
instead of shutting her out and hating her.
and she is just as excited as i am.
how beautiful and rare you are, so divine and yet mortal.
brutally mortal. you have experienced pain that scares even me.
and now i am so happy to be able to give you joy.
if this joy lasts, which i will make it do, then life will be great.
with you hard times will not be great mountains that i climb alone.
with you i exist even more in moments that i otherwise would forget.
with you i am my best self.
i am leaving for many days, and all those days will be painful,
but i hope that we will make it through,
with stronger hearts and even more love to give.

you are my soulmate.

blossoming

i gave you a hickey
not intentionally
man, i feel like a teenager
giggling and grinning
i apologize
but you have a funny story
and you can tell it to anyone
because honestly
i am proud
so proud
to have you by my side

you have asked me
if i wanted to meet your family
to meet your friends
and i can’t believe
that someone is that happy
with me
that someone wants me
to meet their loved ones
and tell them
that i am the one
the one they…

i look forward to
you meeting
the people that i love
the people that love me
the people of my life
because already
you have become one of those
not to say that word
yet
that word is too great
and i am not brave enough

or am i?
i will be
my bravery is growing
and my smile is there
the thoughts of repercussions
will vanish with each kiss
with each laugh
with each hug
and one day
i won’t even think about it
the words will just come

i am looking forward to it

It is

It is something,
something indescribable,
something beyond my imagination,
3 weeks have passed since i last wrote,
and let me tell you,
i’ve fallen in love.

he does this thing,
something of a frown,
his eyebrows dip and bend,
they point upwards only shortly,
and his eyes shine so brightly,
as he gazes at me fondly.

i gathered my courage,
i asked him if he wanted
to spend time with me alone,
and he grinned so eagerly,
and we walked together in the night,
our hands finding each other beneath the stars.

his touches are tentative,
but he is warming up to me,
and i find it easier to breathe with him,
i keep finding myself holding it,
because he steals my breath away,
and i don’t want to miss a second.

we fit sort of perfectly,
even though that word
tastes bitter in my mouth,
it is the closest thing
to describing it,
i feel so at ease with him.

everybody congratulates me,
and i battle my fears,
because even though it feels
as easy as breathing,
i have choked on it before,
and i’m afraid and hopeful.

this is living,
i am so alive,
i am smiling and i am laughing,
and i love to listen to him,
to watch him sit quietly,
to hold him close to me.

it is something,
it is so much more,
and i want to embrace it,
he makes my world spin,
but he keeps me grounded,
and he said the same to me.

“i feel so at ease with you.”
“i feel so happy right now with you.”
“you’re so beautiful.”
“you’re so strong.”
“i miss you and it’s only been a day.”
“can i see you at school? will that be okay?”

how easy it is to fall in,
it is like the movies,
but this one is a happy one,
this one will be a comedy,
we’ll be stupid together,
and we’ll support each other.

finally, i found that something.

that someone.

Could it be?

I’m listening to a song he recommended to me,
and I’m already daydreaming about our next meeting,
when I see him I smile without trying to,
there is this spark within me when our eyes meet,
I can’t stop this fluttering in my stomach and chest,
It consumes me as I try to fall asleep,
It’s comfortable though,
we’re both leaning in, both falling down,
but we do it together, I am not in doubt.

Our hands haven’t held,
but they have briefly touched as I take the pen from his hands,
we sit close, our shoulders brushing as we draw,
it’s the same sketchbook and it’s me teaching him,
how to draw the curves of lips,
and without noticing I stare at his,
but we have not kissed,
and I know my chest will explode when that happens,
because this energy inside of me will burst free.

It had been immediate,
I talked to him because of mutual interest,
because I could see he didn’t talk to anyone,
and he responded eagerly,
and his smile started something within me,
I remembered him clearly that night,
and he haunted me so sweetly,
I looked forward to our next meeting,
and the next got better and better.

Crushes to me are devastating,
they take me by surprise,
but it is bittersweet with the pain of not knowing,
I always ended up seeing them pay more attention,
to someone prettier than me,
and I found myself unloveable,
but here I am, and there he is,
so tall and handsome and interesting,
we know each other already, and yet we know nothing.

Could this really be something?

Homeless

loneliness came to me quicker than expected
i am surrounded by people
but i have no friends amongst them
they are all so kind and so sweet
but they do not care for me
for i am a difficult human to care for
depressed people are toxic to themselves and others
but am i really depressed?
i do not know anymore

i am just surviving day by day
and i get no satisfaction from the work i do
the future is not exciting but dreadful
the home that i have is a pit-stop
the bed that i sleep in an 8 hour pause
then i am forced to leave it
i have no days of nothing
but i am an empty shell
yet i yearn for life
i want the thrill of something
the touch of a person
the excitement of attraction
i get none

my back hurts and my shoulders ache
i find no comfort in being alone
only the relief of not bothering anyone
colorful lights and beautiful sunrises
all of them assures my lonely heart
that somewhere in the world
i will find a place or a person to belong to
that my life will have meaning
and that i am not just a passing train
that goes on forever and forever
never stopping
never resting
a lonely train going through deserts and snowy landscapes
when will i find comfort in my own skin?
could i be my own home?
i feel homeless in my own body

Aftermath

the aftermath of a panic attack
the total focus on how your sobs sound
you can’t even be swallowed by it
because you’re still trying to be in control
your eyes are wet
your hands trembling
and you wish for it to stop
but you have no courage
how do you ask for help
when your perfect image is shattering
how do you ask for forgiveness
for wishing for death
i don’t want to take the selfish way
not by giving in
i want to strive and shine
but i look at what i have and realize what i do not
and the limit of time pressures me into dispear
and i can’t even think clear
i’ll forever be uselss to myself
a body unable to do what i want
a mind just was weak
i’ll live my life being disappointed in myself
and never seek higher ground
i’m a low being and when i do go higher
i realize it was on unstable ground
and i fall even lower than i had ever been
so why should i try to crawl up again
when i know i’ll never make it
the aftermath of a panic attack
the numb feeling in your heart
and the ache in your back
what does it take
to get back on track?

Hold Back

Money leaves your hand so fast,
you beg for more,
to those who look up to you,
who should learn from you,
who should receive your fortune,
instead of your debt.

Children take care of mothers,
they earn money and they send them off to her,
they struggle themselves to hold onto paper,
it slips away and it slips away,
who taught them to hold on?
Who taught them to stand strong?

I write it down,
because I don’t do well either,
I stand my ground,
because you never learned to do that,
I cannot hold it back,
because I love you.
So please hold back for me instead.

 

Familiar

I’m bothered by how still I’m standing,
walking these familiar streets,
yet they’re all so new,
talking a familiar language,
but stumbling over the words,
learning new things,
working hard,
be good, be perfect,
welcome back, welcome back,
the future is so far away,
yet here i am explaining it,
to another and another,
people with familiar faces,
welcome back, what now?

I am frustrated,
by how little I changed,
and by how different I am,
what I wanted to become,
didn’t happen at all and yet,
I am not the one who left,
is this how it goes?
with so much time,
can I settle for a moment?
I’m afraid of it being only temporary,
of leaving it all behind once again,
becoming a familiar stranger,
cutting friendships short,
safe travels, goodbye!

I am afraid of letting go,
of learning how to hold on,
and then letting go as I leave again,
only a year, then you’re somewhere new,
but I am not, the future isn’t settled,
so much time, so many expectations,
trying to stay familiar,
trying not to seem out of place,
but I am a different colored puzzle piece,
and I do not fit in anymore,
I never looked right,
but now I am not shaped right.
Few friends fit with me,
safe travels, see you again?

It’s like going back to my childhood,
visiting old places,
seeing how the children of my time has grown,
all of them familiar,
but now new people,
the winter aches in my bones,
but the smile of a friend lifts my spirits,
I am safe here,
yet so changed and unknown,
is the future bright?
or am I going to settle with this familiar place?
Leaving behind all my dreams,
of places far, far away?
welcome back, welcome home!

Hold On Tightly

I can only hope
that one day
I’ll smile so wide my face will tear
and from within me light will shine.

It will shine so bright
that it’ll blind
every soul that I look upon
and their smiles will tear too.

I treasure those small moments
of feeling so awfully alive
even though I think those moments
to be beneath me as an intellectual.

But I am merely human
with a bleeding heart
and a mind to please
and with dreams to catch.

In this terrible world
all I seek is joy and pleasure
I seek all that makes me feel
yet instead all I feel is shame.

What the fuck is reputation
is it supposed to make you cool
when you feel nothing from it
let’s just fucking feel something.

You’re better than the old you
better than yesterday
better than today
better than tomorrow.

You’re the fucking best
so chase your dreams
and hold on so tightly
don’t you dare let go.

At least I know

It isn’t easy,
just taking care of kids,
living in a new country,
just working in the house.
I thought it would go smoothly,
but fitting into a family that isn’t yours,
is like forcing the wrong puzzle-piece,
into the wrong spot.
I shaped myself to fit this space.
Every day I have something to prove,
that I am worth remembering,
that I have a space in this world,
that I am worth their time.
I make people laugh,
I make it easier for other people,
I make them feel loved,
I make their day go smoothly by,
I make memories for them,
memories that I hope will last.
Yet I feel that this time was fruitless,
that this hardship proved nothing.
I still not brave enough.
I think this year proved to me,
that I must settle for less,
let go of that dream and put it in a drawer.
From time to time I can look at it,
but I cannot live it.
I do not have enough strength to control me.
I do not have strength enough to survive me.
The world is so cruel. My fate is less.
I am a mere small person with dreams,
I touch some people’s lives…
I guess I did them good,
I made them smile and laugh.
But that strength is limited,
at least I know the truth now.
That I can never,
make myself happy.